Kripalu Yoga "Ah Ha's"
Nex Benedict. 1/11/2008-2/7/2024
“How could anyone ever tell you, you were less than whole?” L. Roderick
“Out beyond right and wrong, there’s a field. I’ll meet you there.” Rumi
This Newsletter may make you feel uncomfortable. I can understand that. I hope you read it to the end, anyway.
In an earlier Newsletter, Your Brain’s GPS, I talked about how the brain is wired to feel uncomfortable with uncertainty. How the brain would prefer to continue with a known unhealthy, rather than use its energy and resources to grapple with new patterns, even if the new patterns would be helpful. New ways of thinking are a form of new patterns.
Nex Benedict was a 16 year-old child. School should always be a safe place, for all children, regardless of their pronouns. Unfortunately, in the US, schools and children are not safe, on many levels.
Culture, religion, family, schools, communities, recorded history, politics, states and countries have belief systems. Some beliefs change over time – i.e. in 1776, it was common for men to dress fancy and frilly. Or, it wasn’t until 1923, that the Attorney General announced it would no longer be illegal for women to wear pants in public.
Some beliefs do not change over time – i.e. – In a letter to her husband John, March 1776, Abigail Adams wrote, “Remember the Ladies, and be more generous and favorable to them than your ancestors. Do not put such unlimited power into the hands of the Husbands”. Here we are, in 2024, and the Equal Rights Amendment still has not been made into law, and many politicians remain fixated on controlling women’s roles and bodies.
At birth, the medical community labels us a sex, male or female, by looking at the genitals on our bodies. That label is then assigned a SS number and thus, one’s identity is established in our nation. Except we are more than our presenting birth genitals.
Sex is not gender. The Trevor Project, defines gender as “the internal experience of being a man, a woman, a non-binary, or otherwise. Every person experiences gender differently- you cannot know someone’s gender by simply looking at them”
Anyone who doesn’t conform to the belief system of the moment, is perceived as causing trouble for culture, religion, schools, families, communities, politics, states and countries. Non- conformity brings into question all that they stand for and all that they want from you – which is to stick to their program so that they can always be in charge. These belief systems are saying “You must conform. You cannot do something new”.
Except gender identification, whether it be cis, trans, non-binary, gender fluid or two spirit is not something new. Gender identification and gender expression have existed, do exist, and will continue to exist. Certain culture, religion, schools, families, communities, politics, states and countries are uncomfortable with gender identification and expression that is not aligned with birth sex label. We each desire to live in our full expression.
In Kripalu yoga, there’s something called the “Ah Ha” moment. It’s when, during practice, a profound shift happens. For example, one day, you’re in warrior I and all of a sudden, a knowing arises. You may have done warrior I hundreds of times before, but this time, a doorway into your body, mind and soul opens and you feel an “Ah Ha”, you learn something profoundly new. It doesn’t matter WHAT you learn, it’s in the learning itself.
Now, it’s in the NEXT moment that the juice really happens. Once we have an “Ah Ha”, we say to ourselves, ‘all this time, I thought I understood warrior I, but in this moment, I see that my knowing has deepened, WHAT ARE THE OTHER BELIEFS IN MY LIFE THAT I THOUGHT I KNEW FOR SURE, BUT MAY HAVE NOT BEEN UNDERSTANDING?!’. An “Ah Ha” is the foundation of compassion, empathy and lovingkindness – for it’s in the open question of oneself, that we then, by extension, can look around us and say, ‘huh, maybe the things I thought I knew, are not necessarily true for all.”
Another principle in Kripalu yoga is “what is true and real for me, is not real and true for you. Every experience is acceptable.” I love that. The fullest expression of my being does not in any way lessen or impinge upon your right to be the fullest expression of your being.
Note- of course, yoga’s first precept is ahimsa, non-violence. In living one’s fullest expression, violence in any form, to self or others is not acceptable, and not what I am promoting.
Science is defined as “the systematic study of the structure and behavior of the physical and natural world through observation, experimentation and the testing of theories against the evidence obtained.” Testing of theories against the evidence obtained means our knowledge, our understandings, can continue to change as more evidence is obtained.
Through the testing of theories against the evidence obtained, we are learning that in nature, some animals can switch sex and/or are born with both male and female sexual organs. We are also learning more about human “intersex”. From the NIH “Although sex is typically misconceptualized as a binary of male (XY) or female (XX), many other chromosomal arrangements, inherent variations in gene expression patterns, and hormone levels exist. Intersex categorizations include variations in chromosomes present, external genitalia, gonads (testes or ovaries), hormone production, hormone responsiveness, and internal reproductive organs. Medical classification of intersex individuals is not always done at birth, as many intersex traits do not become apparent until puberty or later in life.” I love the mysteries and complexities of life.
The thing about science is that we keep learning. (Ethics in science is a big and important question, that I won’t get into here). As we learn, we expand. As we expand, we experience change in our lived experiences and in our capacity to see and accept the other.
Nex was labeled the other and treated as an outcast. And because of that, their life was cut short. An entrenched belief system refused to meet Nex in a field out beyond right and wrong. To choose acceptance over judgment.
I honor Nex’s self-awareness in knowing their truth, and the courage in living their truth. They were beautiful and whole, just the way they are.
“How could anyone ever tell you, you were anything less than beautiful? How could anyone ever tell you, you were less than whole? How could anyone fail to notice that your loving is a miracle? How deeply you’re connected to my soul.” Libby Roderick. Nex Benedict Memorial Service. Montclair 2/25/2024
Rest in Peace Nex. I promise to do better by you and all the children.
Infant Health - Tongue Tie
Many of you asked me about the recent New York Times article titled, “Inside the Booming Business of Cutting Babies Tongues”. I was hoping the NYT would discuss the tongue muscle’s function, diagnosing a tongue tie, treatment protocol and general implications of non-treatment. However, I found the article disappointing; more of a panic piece, instead of helping parents navigate an expensive, and emotionally and physically challenging surgery on their little one.
Tongue tie is NOT a life -threatening condition. Does it have implications? Yes. My intention is to educate. I am NOT an expert, so I defer to those who are and have personal and professional experience.
Note - Dental and orthodontia care are in a new era. Finally, wholeness has come to mouth health: there is an impact of the body on the mouth and there is an impact of the mouth on the body. Read the best selling book, Breath, by James Nestor.
What Is a Tongue Tie and What Causes It?
The medical term for tongue tie is ankyloglossia. During gestation, as a part of its normal course of development, the tongue undergoes a process called apoptosis. Fingers and toes also experience apoptosis. Apoptosis is the dyeing away of cells to enable separation.
The cell webbing between the fingers and toes dies away so that our fingers and toes move independently of each other. The same thing happens under the tongue. The frenulum is a tissue that’s on the underside of the tongue, and connects the tongue to the base of the mouth. The cells on the frenulum die away so that we can lift and move our entire tongue in a wide range of ways. When the frenulum cells do Not die away completely, the tongue gets “tied” closer to the base of the mouth. Only the front portion of the tongue can be lifted up fully and there’s less overall range of mobility.
Any muscular restriction, anywhere in the body, can ripple out to the rest of the body and impact body performance. The same is true for the tongue muscle and the muscles, fascia and bones it is directly and indirectly attached to. A freely moving tongue muscle is needed in eating, nose breathing, speech, facial symmetry, and dental health.
What is the actual procedure?
The frenulum is either cut or lasered to sever a portion of it from the base of the mouth. It is a quick procedure and yes, it’s painful. Yet, not lasting pain. It’s generally recommended to be done in a baby’s first few months. Post procedure wound care and exercises are needed to be done by the caregivers for 6 weeks, several times a day and night, to ensure that the tissue does not grow back and that the tongue heals well.
Craniosacral is often given prior to the procedure for 2 reasons 1) sometimes, releasing the restrictions around and in the mouth, frees up the baby’s muscles and fascia, and what may have been misdiagnosed as a tongue tie, is solved through the gentle work of craniosacral or 2) if it’s truly a tongue tie, pre-procedure craniosacral helps to release any other restrictions, such as in the neck or head compression, that are impacting the nervous system and non-tongue muscles and bones – it’s clearing everything else and calming the baby’s nervous system before the procedure.
All my colleagues, from their personal experience, tell me that for successful outcomes, pre-procedure preparatory craniosacrial treatment, post-procedure wound care for 6 weeks, several times during the day and night, and post procedure craniosacral treatment, to help everything reset, are all vitally important in having a successful outcome.
What Are the Signs and Symptoms of Tongue Tie? What Are the Implications of a Tongue Tie?
“Signs and symptoms of tongue tie include: difficulty lifting the tongue to the upper teeth or moving the tongue from side to side.Trouble sticking out the tongue past the lower front teeth. A tongue tie appears notched or heart shaped when stuck out. See a doctor if your baby has signs of tongue tie that cause problems, such as having trouble breastfeeding, or a speech-language pathologist thinks your child’s speech is affected by tongue tie, or your older child complains of tongue problems that interfere with eating, speaking or reaching the back teeth, (or) you’re bothered by your own tongue tie. Sometime(s) tongue tie may not cause problems. Some cases may require a simple surgical procedure for correction. Tongue tie can affect a baby’s oral development, as well as the way he or she eats, speaks and swallows.”
For accuracy, I am cutting and pasting from the NIH study. In summary, it says a short lingual frenulum (tongue tie) impacts the growth and development of tissues and certain head bones, the related functioning of those, as well as impacting the esthetic of the face (often with a tongue tie there is a recessed chin).It also concludes that there are divergent views on whether or not a tongue tie needs to be cut.
“Objective: To critically examine the existing Brazilian and International scientific literature regarding the influence of short lingual frenulum, over growth and development of the stomatognathic system*, as well as how it impacts the achievement of the shape-function balance.”
“Recently, a law was passed in Brazil that requires the application of the evaluation protocol on the lingual frenulum of babies born in all hospitals and maternities, public and private.”
“It is possible to conclude that, although there are divergences on the indication of the clinical-surgical intervention for the correction of ankyloglossia, there is a consensus in the literature about the negative effect of functional imbalances caused by ankyloglossia on the correct growth and development of the stomatognathic system*. All the researched authors report the need to establish neuromuscular balance in order to achieve stable esthetic-functional goals.”
*Stomatognathic system is comprised of the teeth, jaws, temporomandibular joints, and related muscles. Its functions are chewing, speech, swallowing, breathing, and yawning
Who Can or Cannot Diagnose a Tongue Tie? What Are the Diagnostic Criteria for Tongue Tie Assessment?
Diagnosis of tongue tie is Not within the scope of practice of a lactation consultant, an IBCLC (International Board- Certified Lactation Consultant- a higher level of credential than a lactation consultant), or a bodyworker (massage therapist).
Diagnosis of tongue tie is within the scope of pediatricians, ENT’s, dentists, orthodontists, speech pathologists, occupational therapists, registered nurses, chiropractors, neonatal nurse practitioners, and physical therapists. However, many do Not have the skills, Nor the experience, in diagnosing tongue ties.
Per the NIH’s National library of medicine, “The lack of a universal, unequivocal and commonly accepted definition and objective diagnostic criteria of ankyloglossia (tongue tie) is still an issue”. NYT article refers to Alison Hazelbaker, a long- term craniosacral therapist, IBCLC, and PhD in psychology, who developed her own method of evaluating tongue tie. The Hazelbaker method is often used in tongue tie studies. Hazelbaker’s method is the closest thing there is for a standardized test of tongue tie.
Who does this surgery? The NYT article says it didn’t work for some babies
There are a limited number of doctors who have extensive experience diagnosing, performing the procedure and guiding parents in post - surgery wound care. Dr. Siegal, who serves the NJ, NYC and Long Island area is mentioned in the article. I have no personal experience with Dr. Siegal and am NOT endorsing him. Within my network of craniosacral practitioners though, they trust his judgment, skills and treatment plan.
There is a risk that the procedure won’t be successful. Like all surgeries, not every single one has a positive outcome. Do you know of someone that had surgery, but even after following all the post-op advice completely, they are still struggling with pain or lack of proper functioning? Sometimes, surgeries fail. That’s awful, especially if the surgery is on a baby.
Other Potential Implications of Tongue Tie and/or of Poor Tongue Muscle Functioning
Breastfeeding. Because of compromised mobility and shortened length of tongue, it’s challenging for baby to latch onto a breast. These babies are known to chomp at the breast, not have a tight seal and often break away from the breast, be air swallowers, and have short feeding times because of the extra effort on their little mouth and facial muscles. For mommy that may mean severe nipple pain, long “lipstick” shaped nipples, bleeding and cracked nipples, and feeling (justifiably so!) reluctant to breastfeed because of such pain.
Breathing – obstructed nasal passages
One of the tongue muscle’s functions is to keep the upper mouth palate wide. If the entire tongue cannot reach the upper palate, it cannot keeping suctioning down the upper palate through sucking and eating/swallowing. This results in a high arched upper mouth palate, which then pushes up into the nasal cavities and bones of the face, thereby reducing the amount of room for oxygen to flow in.
Often people with tongue ties, become mouth breathers. Breathing through the mouth results in intake of unfiltered air (susceptible to more bacteria and viruses). Often, people with sleep apnea or snorers are mouth breathers.
Chin not coming forward and facial asymmetry
With the tongue muscle is held back from full extension, the lower jaw bone is also compromised (remember, it’s all attached). As we grow, our lower jaw bones come forward. If there’s restriction here, that can’t happen. The chin is pulled in and potential facial asymmetry can arise from this. This is what the NIH study above is referring to.
Orthodontia/Crooked teeth/Teeth pulled
The result of a high upper palate is a narrowing of the mouth, resulting in teeth being pushed into each other, as there’s just not enough room for them
Yikes! I think I, or my child, might have a tongue tie! Who can help me?
I do NOT have personal experience with these resources. They are from my colleagues, who have worked with these professionals.
Child and Adult orthodontia – more than straightening teeth. They look at the function of the whole mouth. Dr. Barry Raphael
Dr. Philip Memoli - Holistic dentistry. Adult and pediatric dentistry in his practice
Why are there so many tongue tie procedures now?
I don’t have a solid answer for this. From the long term midwives I met, they tell me that folklore is that the midwives would use a fingernail and cut the tongue, if needed. So, we don’t really have statistics on the number of babies that had tongue ties.
Prior to the invention of nipples and bottles, if a baby’s tongue and mouth inhibited it from breastfeeding productively, it wouldn’t thrive. Modern bottles have nipples that allow milk to literally flow into a baby’s mouth.
I hope this Newsletter is helpful in understanding what a tongue tie is and its impact on the development and operation of the body. It’s always the same bottom line - everything is connected and there are reasons for those connections. Bodies are imperfect. I think it’s important to understand what the functions of our body parts are and why their functioning is important to us. That gives us information on what we would like to adjust, if needed and why. I am a strong believer in self agency. Knowledge enables me to make informed decisions on how best to take care of my body.
Your Brain's GPS
Emotional energy is made up of neural electrical impulses firing in the brain. The brain communicate with the body through the nervous systemThe nervous system directly or indirectly touches upon every structure, system and operation of the body.
For thousands of years, humans learned from emotional experiences and incorporated those memories for survival – i.e. When I encounter an animal that wants to eat me, the emotional energy of fear arises. The emotion of fear induces me to take action; either running away or fighting. Likewise, the fragrance and color of a fruit motivates the emotional and sensory energy of pleasure and I eat the fruit. “Emotions are the GPS of our lives” says Dr. Julia DiGangi, neuropsychologist and author of Energy Rising – The Neuroscience of Leading with Emotional Power.
Further, Dr. DiGangi introduces the concept of self-division. Each of us has a brain with a feeling and behavioral system. When I ignore my emotions and what they are telling me about my current experience, I have self- divided. When I self-divide, my feeling and behavioral systems are going in the opposite directions – I have a broken GPS system. It’s like trying to fly a single plane in two opposite directions; it’s impossible to get anywhere. Self-division results in me not trusting myself because what I am feeling inside is the opposite of what I am actually doing.
For example, imagine I’m at an airline counter, asking the agent what my options are because my flight was canceled. I end the conversation quickly, not getting all the information I need, because I feel badly taking up too much time, as there are lots of people who need assistance. I have put my worthiness below the needs of others. Internally, I learn that I can’t trust myself to take care of myself.
Clarification – Dr. DiGangi is not referring to situations of physical or emotional danger. Danger may require emotions and actions to not be aligned. Further, I acknowledge not everyone has the privilege to align their feeling and behavioral systems.
Dr. DiGangi goes on to say “the brain is a pattern maker”. It’s wired to prefer patterns over uncertainty. Even when an existing emotional pattern is not healthy; the brain still prefers that, over uncertainty. Uncertainty requires a lot of brain energy – the brain wants to figure out what the new pattern needs to be or it’s using a lot of energy in resistance towards the possibility of a having to establish a new pattern.
For example, If I have set a pattern of abandoning myself through self- division, because of my emotional feeling of unworthiness, the internal strife of that emotion will feel really bad, almost painful. But it’s a pain I am familiar with. The uncertainty of what will happen if I don’t self-divide is a greater pain.
Sustained uncertainty embeds itself into the physical body. One example of this is the fascia system. The fascia system surrounds and is in between all the cells of the body – including those of the nervous system. Emotional energy impacts the nervous system, which then causes the fascia it’s connected to, to constrict and twist. Fascial restrictions in any part of the body ripple throughout the body, causing restrictions in seemingly unrelated places. The emotions result in tension, misalignment, poor gut health, vagus nerve damage, anxiousness, teeth grinding, seizing up of back muscles, compression of the nerves around the eyes, and a bunch more potential symptoms within the body.
Dr. DiGangi’s work has found that the majority of people’s core emotion that they will do anything to avoid feeling is humiliation/ shame/embarrassment/ defensiveness/ unworthiness. Whichever word it is, is irrelevant – the brain has the exact same chemical reaction as it’s the emotion that the brain is focusing on; not the nuances between definitions of humiliation and embarrassment. Wanting to avoid humiliation at all costs results in people behaving in some very self-divisive ways. But, if you can have the courage to feel how shame is arising as a feeling, that frees up energy and creates space for authentic behavior, which is in line with one’s values. This is CRUCIAL. WE ARE LEARING HOW TO TRUST OURSELVES.
We are all a collection of emotional parts. It’s not a zero -sum game. We can hold space for parts of us that feel unworthy/ defensive/ shame AND also parts of us that feel a good emotion. It’s not about stopping the negative emotion – it’s about recognizing it and noticing HOW it impacts our behavior in ways that result in self-dividing. It’s about noticing how we’re trying to fly in two opposite directions. Self- dividing is stressful, debilitating and uncomfortable. Self-dividing uses a lot of energy. Energy that could be used in much better ways.
I found that I had self- divided for so long, that I didn’t trust myself to take care of myself. When I started showing up for myself, I felt pride AND uncomfortable – making a new brain pattern is like that. Some others were vested in me continuing to self-divide as it benefitted them. I found that those who love me, support me not self -dividing.
How do I learn to trust my innate GPS again? What can I do about self-division and uncertainty?
1.Recognize when and why you are self-dividing
Change starts with awareness. Simply start noticing when you are self-dividing. Ask yourself, why am I doing that? What is the emotion that is so painful that I am hiding from it? What would have been another way for me to be in that situation?
2. Start small
Practice not engaging in self-division in a low stake situation; one that makes you uncomfortable, emotionally, but not so uncomfortable that it’s overwhelming. Stick to the same one on a consistent basis and don’t stop doing it. YOU ARE PRACTICING A NEW BRAIN PATTERN AND YOU ARE TEACHING YOUR BRAIN TO TRUST YOUR INNATE GPS.
An example: my sister talks for hours about herself. I love my sister. I know she has challenges. I never feel like I am a good enough sister. I react to her phone calls by either giving in and letting her talk way too long or by cutting her off – both ways I am self-dividing.
I set a boundary of 15 -minute calls and remind her, at the start, I get to speak too. This has made our conversations better! 15 minutes is the emotional capacity of my brain to be present with her and to not engage in self-division behavior. What I am saying is that I can’t stop the feeling of shame at not being a good enough sister. But I can acknowledge my emotion of shame AND choose an action (and stick with it) that allows my behavior to be authentic to me. To not self-divide. To rewire a pattern in my brain.
3. Reset and Regulate the systems of the body- Craniosacral and lymphatic drainage
All of my issues have led me to my life’s work. 🙂 I get treatments myself on a regular basis. I chose to learn and offer these methods because they work. I can’t possibly have the courage to sit with my shame, if my body is misaligned. It’s just a lot to ask of oneself. And from my own experience, I know how my habit of self- dividing lessens when my physical, emotional and energetic body are smoothed out and in alignment.
Our brains receive internal and external input constantly. The brain interprets information, distills it into an emotion and then sends it back into the body via the nervous system, to take an action. Emotions are the GPS system. We are fortunate to experience the full range of emotions.
We are wired to be in connection with ourselves and others. Sometimes that’s where the GPS system breaks down. In trying to guide ourselves and in also trying to move in the direction someone else wants of us, it’s just too much. As humans, we are always better when we acknowledge our emotional core truths and choose an action that supports our needs and honors the other in a compassionate way, with integrity and conscious action.
Craniosacral for Babies
Fall of 2022, I had the joy of shadowing Katinka Locasio, a pediatric craniosacral practitioner. I immediately fell in love with the work, the babies, and their care givers. “This is my next step”, I thought. Thus, in 2023, I trained in craniosacral for infants. It’s been an amazing journey. I learned so much, that I just have to share!
In my first yoga class, I became fascinated with the body; how it works, how it responds, how it heals, and what it has to say to me. This passion led me towards teaching therapeutic yoga, then to bodywork, Reiki, craniosacral, lymphatic drainage and fascia release – for humans and animals. Guiding humans and animals back to their wholeness and ease in their bodies became my life’s work. I am excited to take the past 23 years of experience in working with adult humans and apply it to working with babies.
Infant craniosacral treats BOTH mama* and infant concurrently, so that as a pair, as a team, they can strengthen their bond and continue to deepen their relationship. This is true for an adopted child, and a child born from surrogacy.
The transition from in the womb to outside the womb is monumental. After birth, there’s a lot of figuring out for baby and mama. Baby is figuring out sensory stimuli, feeding, breathing, digestion, elimination, bonding, and integrating any medical interventions that occurred during birth. Enter craniosacral.
Mama is also going through a huge transition – birthing mamas have post birth recovery and healing from medical interventions, and hormonal changes, among others. All new mamas are experiencing exhaustion, self-care and infant care concerns, employment and financial pressures. Even in the smoothest of births and post birth situations, a newborn coming into the world is a huge transition for all. How mama feels about all these changes impacts her physical and emotional body. Enter craniosacral.
Further, mama’s level of confidence is often connected to the satisfaction of her child’s needs of feeding, emotional comfort, its digestion, skin condition, nervous system regulation, and overall physical wellbeing. An uncomfortable baby, one that’s not thriving, or one that seems inconsolable, is emotionally dysregulating to mama. Not being able to effectively meet baby’s needs can challenge mama’s confidence in herself as a competent caregiver. Which is not true. But the belief itself can have emotional implications on mama, and thus baby. Enter craniosacral.
Craniosacral is super gentle. Infants do not have years of compensating patterns and emotional baggage, like adults do. Thus, babies often respond really well within 1 -2 sessions. Because infant craniosacral treats both mama and baby, part of the treatment is teaching mama techniques to support her own and baby’s comfort and health. I love that!
Here’s a partial list of conditions that infant craniosacral can help with:
Torticollis – baby’s neck muscles are restricted causing the head to turn and rotate to one side. Results in baby having difficulty in turning its head, difficulty breast feeding on both sides, possible vagal nerve impingement, & asymmetrical facial features.
Plagiocephaly or flat head – infant’s soft skull is flattened in one area.
Lower jaw is tight, small – difficulty opening baby’s mouth widely enough for proper feeding and can impact ability to breath fully
Digestion – tension in neck and head can lead to impingement on vagal nerve which is directly connected to organs of digestion
No neck – as a result of in utero head compression (ie – a baby low in the uterus, or pushing in labor or fetal constraint), infant’s shoulders are close to ears, creating muscular tension
Tongue tie – craniosacral can Not remedy a tongue tie. Often a misdiagnosed tongue tie is due to lower jaw and tongue muscle constriction which craniosacral can help with. It’s often recommended to have 1 - 2 craniosacral sessions prior to being evaluated for tongue tie. Sometimes, what might be mistakenly diagnosed as a tongue tie, is a fascial or muscular restriction.
Check out my Instagram: @ellnerkim for treatment photos and more information about infant and adult craniosacral and lymphatic drainage.
I appreciate your trust in me. I am now taking appointments for infants and babies, in addition to adults and teens, at my Montclair location.
* I am using “mama” to define the primary caregiver and using the pronouns she/her. There are many different kinds of people that can be a primary caregiver, and there are many different pronouns to refer to them. For my own writing purposes, I use the word mama and she/her. Please know my intention is always inclusionary.
Reminders From the Mat
Reflecting on this past year, I am grateful for the earnest wisdom of my teachers. In the spirit of sharing the gifts that I have received, here are a few concepts from the mat:
Mountain pose is comprised of the Back body, the Front body and the Center line (the spine). The Back body represents the past, which always informs us, but does not define us. The Front body represents the future; puffing the chest forward, is forcing too hard into future, but sunken chests are hiding from it. The Center line, an upright spine, represents the present; it holds the balance of the past and the future, joining both. It’s in the balance, the center, that we can be fully present in the current moment. For if we lean too far into the back body or too far forward, we lose balance. Over time, if too far forward or too far back, we learn compensating patterns that might feel “normal”, but are in fact, distractions from the centeredness, the uprightness, the clarity of the present moment.
Holding a posture. The power of AND. Two things can be equally held to bring forth fuller expression. Effort AND non-attachment to outcome. Strength AND softness. Stillness AND breath. Empathy and open heartedness live in the AND. Rigidity and judgment live in the OR. “Somewhere between right and wrong, there’s a field. I’ll meet you there.” Rumi
Breath - A single tool, consciously adapted, can yield numerous outcomes. An even length of inhale and exhale brings concentration. Longer exhalation than inhalation brings softening and ease. Breathing from the belly cultivates expansion and openness.
Restorative Inversions – Turning the world upside down, being in a different relationship with gravity, literally gives us a new perspective. Posture set up -back of body resting on the ground, folded towel placed under the sacrum and hips, legs swung over onto a chair seat. This posture calms nervous system and enables sacrum to descend into towel – resetting the first chakra. First chakra is our place of safety and stability.
Body, Mind, Soul – 1/3, 1/3, 1/3 – my friend and honorable yoga student Brian coined this the Yoga Quotient. The “YQ”
Soul, essence, or consciousness is the divine energy that makes you, you. No one else has your particular way of being. Your soul is here for a reason; all of us benefit and learn from you bringing your full, authentically perfect and flawed being into each relationship and interaction. The soul, while infinitely powerful, speaks quietly. When we pause, pray, hug, immerse in nature, connect, laugh fully, meditate, are in our creative zone – our souls shine brightly. Souls relish nurturing and are our biggest fans. Often overshadowed by the Mind, it’s the soul that gently sooths us when we are suffering.
Mind is super important. The mind can be greedy though. It would prefer that your YQ be 3/5 mind and 1/5 body and 1/5 soul.
Your mind ensures your safety, gets you to work on time, enjoys a good book, makes jokes, desires to control everything and everyone, learns new things, loves being rewarded with material items.
Mind is infused with emotions – joy, anger, unworthiness, desire. Emotions are valuable messages about our state of being. But the mind takes uncomfortable emotions, those that we desperately don’t want to feel, and goes into avoidance, pushing down, over- positivity, and denial. In suppressing our uncomfortable emotions, we suppress opportunities for personal growth and we betray our soul; we divide ourselves from ourselves.
Here’s a secret – the mind is TIRED of controlling it all! It fights against the body and soul because it thinks without the mind, you will be unprotected and do crazy things like taking a rest or tell someone that you just don’t have the capacity to take on more work at this time. But that just isn’t true. Everything that’s You, will not dissolve away, if you open more to moving your body and connecting with your soul.
I find the quickest way to get my mind from 3/5 to 1/3 is to get back into the physical body – stand up and get into 5 pointed star pose or wash your hands for 10 seconds in hot or cold water, or anything that will create a sensory embodied shift.
Body is the home and the physical manifestation of our soul and mind. We literally share ourselves, our Being, with the world through our body. And WE experience the world through our bodies.
The body is a beautiful complicated network of systems; exhilarating to move and be active in. It creates art, and amazing ideas and inventions, it gives the best hugs. The body joins with another and reproduces itself, which is truly a miraculous process. The body is also very needy, is susceptible to disease, and seemingly betrays us in a myriad of ways – getting saggy, breaking down, accidentally fracturing itself and then not returning to its original state. The Mind pokes at it, shames it, controls it, denies it, over indulges it, scrutinizes it. Everyone has feelings about their body. You might think that’s ridiculous, but it’s true.
Alicia Keys has practiced yoga and meditation for years. She does a body meditation. She puts on music, lights a candle. Standing naked before a full -length mirror, for 5 minutes, she looks deeply at herself, from toe to head and says to herself, “You are beautiful. Every part of you is beautiful. Your feet, your legs, your hips, your belly, your bottom, your back, your breasts, your shoulders, your arms, your hands, your face, your hair, your whole body.” She said, at first, it was difficult for her to get through 30 seconds. Alicia Keys was challenged in telling her naked body that it was beautiful for more than 30 seconds. This story highlights that even one of the most beautiful women has difficulty loving her own body.
And that’s the point. One’s actual body shape is irrelevant– it’s how you FEEL about your body that translates into how you LIVE in your body. It’s the quality of living that is the Body 1/3 of YQ. It’s not whether or not you can do a perfect Warrior II pose or you are at your goal body weight, it’s the quality of what is your physical and energetic experience of the pose, of your body.
Alicia says this practice guided her through 3 pregnancies and expanded her sense of self love and empowerment. I tried this. It was one of the hardest meditations to do. Working on this mediation made me feel much more embodied, more sensuous, and more alive. Sharing that personal information opens me up to you reflecting on my body. Again, it’s not the actual body that’s relevant. It’s how you FEEL about your body. I encourage you all, men and women, to do this. The first time feels silly and uncomfortable. Don’t give up. You’re worth it.
I’ve worked with a lot of bodies over the past 23 years. The one truth I see over and over again, is that the body is trying really, really hard to support you. It may not be doing it the way your Mind wants it to, but it is genuinely trying its best. Again, getting into the body, walk, dance, hug - are all ways to show gratitude and return to the body.
Sustaining a balanced YQ feels good. To return to a YQ of 1/3,1/3,1/3 means we are grounded and appreciative of our body, we are in a balanced relationship with our mind, and we are in loving relationship with our soul.
Reminders From the Mat
More from my mentors: The above wisdom is for inner experiential growth, both on and off the mat and for deepening relationships, both on and off the mat. On the mat, we are in relationship with ourselves, the teacher, fellow students, the temperature of the room... Off the mat, there are many more relationships; family, work, community, environment...the entire purpose of being embodied are relationships, and our relationship with those relationships.
Wishing you and your families health, love, joy, prosperity, meaningful relationships, and laughter in 2024.
May all your YQ’s be balanced!
Warmly, Kim
Gratitude to my yoga teachers:
Wendy Gross Pinto, Theresa Rowland, Lisa Rotell, Kripalu Center for Yoga and Healing, Loryn Riggiola, Sharon Catugno, Lucienne Vidah, Michelle LaRue
Artful Gatherings
Gatherings and events. There’s an expected uptick in gatherings from Thanksgiving through New Year’s, yet gatherings and events happen all year long.
At parties, I am the one circling the room, nursing a drink, searching out someone that I can pepper with questions, quietly nodding my head, and smiling, while inside, desiring solitude.
I used to apologize and have shame for being an introvert. Merriment and rollicking generally seemed to be the requirements of an ideal guest. ‘Maybe I am just too shy,’ I would think, ‘maybe I need to try harder at being more entertaining.’
While shyness and introversion can crossover each other, they are not the same. Shyness is fear of social judgment. Introversion is how one responds to stimulation, including social stimulation.
Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, says “Extroverts crave large amounts of stimulation. Introverts are most alive, most capable, most switched on, when in quieter, more low-key environments. The key to maximizing our (introvert) talents is to put ourselves in the zone of stimulation that’s right for us.” She continues, “there’s a belief that all creativity and productivity come from being gregarious and in group settings.”
American boldness and enterprise are assumed to rest solely on highly expressive and outgoing behavior patterns. Yet, there’s much creativity and productivity from those that are more introspective, that thrive on solitude; Buddha, Darwin, Steve Wozniak, Emily Dickinson, Frida Kahlo, to name a few introverts. For me, this is certainly true – my clearest, broadest and most productive thinking arises from being in solitude.
Whether one is as an extrovert or an introvert, is not important. The world needs the creativity and productivity of extroverts AND introverts. And, of course, there are no absolutes; no need to be 100% one or the other.
The Bhagavad Gita, written sometime before 200 BCE, is a section of the Mahabharata, a Hindu text. It states, “Better is one’s own dharma* though imperfectly carried out than the dharma of another carried out perfectly. Better is death in the fulfillment of one’s own dharma, for to follow the law of another brings great spiritual peril.” *Dharma is a sanskrit word – here it refers to our true nature, or if referring to a vocation, it would be our true calling.
My objective is for me to be aligned with my true nature. I love a deep, heart-felt conversation and relationship, but I am not ever going to want to be in an over stimulating space. It’s just not who I am.
What does vocalizing my true nature look like in practice? I often tell people straight up, ‘I really want to celebrate you for X, yet I just don’t do well in groups, so I may leave early’, or ‘that’s too big a venue for me, so I will pass on that’, or ‘please don’t think anything is wrong with me for being quieter at this gathering than when it’s the two of us alone’, or ‘I won’t be staying long because the noise and lights are overwhelming for me’, or whatever is true for me.
And how is that received? Sometimes supportively, and sometimes, not. All I can do is be kind to myself and others. If they are hurt, insulted or offended, that is not for me to solve for them. And, someone chiding me to being more outspoken, frolicsome, and engaged at a gathering or event, feels shaming. And what is over stimulating for me, may not be what is over stimulating for someone else.
And here’s an idea- maybe it’s time to rethink HOW and WHY we gather. Priya Parker, strategic advisor, and author of The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters outlines a human- centered approach to gathering that helps create meaningful, memorable experiences for everyone, in large and small environments. I love a thoughtful, structured and clear plan. Priya’s approach speaks directly to the introvert in me - I know the plan ahead of time, everyone gets equal participation, and it honors my introspective self. A gathering formula for all.
As we move into the final weeks of this holiday season, and enter 2024, I encourage you to honor your true nature. I encourage appreciation of both contemplative and ebullient ways of being.
Wishing you and your families and friends meaningful and joyful time together this holiday season!
Loving in a Violent World
“That’s the thing I struggle with. How do you love in a world that is so violent? That is a challenge and that will always be a challenge. It’s hard. But you elect to love anyway. It’s an act of attention, and an act of concentration, and it’s a decision always.”
Margaret Renkle, author Late Migrations: A Natural History of Love and Loss
I am not a Middle East nor a military expert. My expertise is in guiding people to their wholeness through yoga, reiki, craniosacral and lymphatic drainage.
I apologize for not writing sooner; I needed to work through my stuff.
I am intimately connected with Israel and am a Jewish person. Because I always share my feelings with you, I have 1 sentence to say. The unprovoked barbaric attack on Israeli adults and children on October 7th, the retaliatory relentless bombardment of adults and children in Gaza, and the swift and intense rise of world -wide antisemitism, have rattled me to my core.
What practices can help us when it’s hard to choose love in a violent world?
Humans are creative, compassionate, super productive, and violent. A brief and very incomplete history of human violence:
What do yoga and neuroscience say about violence?
Ahimsa – First tenet of yoga
Ahimsa is Sanskrit for non-violence in thought, word and actions. It’s the first tenet because everything rests on this premise. Why is this first? Because when we harm, we pollute, we are violent, to our own being. Isabel Wilkerson and James Baldwin, both write that white supremacy poisons the soul of the white supremast, because in order to act in such hateful ways, one needs to harm one’s own soul. And the yogis agreed. Yoga is the Sanskrit word for union -oneness with soul, body, mind and all that is. I cannot be in Yoga, if I have polluted my own soul in order to harm others.
Even when I have been harmed. The yogis teach, ahimsa is the response for individuals, families, groups, communities, corporations, nations. Think of Gandhi and India’s independence from Britain. “Be the change you wish to see in the world”.
The below is summarized from “What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing” by Dr. Bruce D. Perry and Oprah Winfrey. (THIS IS SUPER SIMPLIFIED)
A bit of background - Patterns of stress
Hunger, thirst, cold, working out, promotion at work are all forms of stress; stress is an essential element of learning new skills and building resiliency. The differential in whether stress is positive or destructive is the pattern of stress.
Stress that is moderate, controllable and predictable results in increasing our tolerance and thus builds resiliency. Stress that is prolonged, extreme and unpredictable results in increasing our sensitization and thus we become more vulnerable, more fragile.
Lucienne Vidah, Iyengar yoga teacher, refers to these concepts in yoga practice. When we are being pressed by ourselves and/ or the teacher to move beyond our physical comfort zone, there is the option of two outcomes. If the stressor is moderate, at an acceptable level of challenge, we can physically expand, grow, in our practice. If the stressor is extreme, moves too far or too quickly into an unsafe zone, we can shut down, become stuck and shrink in our practice. Feelings of being overwhelmed flood our being.
Stress is individualistic; what is moderate stress for you, may be extreme stress for me. What is real and true for me, may not be real and true for you. Assuming we know how another feels negates their physical and emotional experience.
How does the brain react to stress?
Our brains are constantly receiving information – from inside our body (interoception) and from outside our body (five senses). This information enters through the brain stem, at the base of the skull. The information eventually makes it up to the cortex, located higher than the brain stem. Imagine an inverted triangle. The narrow base is the brain stem and the wider top is the cortex.
The brain stem is the site of temperature, respiratory and cardiac regulation. The cortex is the site of creativity, thinking, language, values, time and hope.
When information enters the brain it takes a bit of time to move from the brain stem – where regulation occurs- to the cortex – assessing the incoming information and what the response will be, based on reasonable thought processes.
Intolerable levels of stressors such as violence and fear can put us in a dysregulated state, like accelerated heart rate, difficulty breathing, sweating. We get stuck at the brainstem level. Until we become regulated, we simply cannot engage in logical reasoning.
Intolerable levels of stressors over long periods of time, can result in long term dysregulation.
Remember the spring of 2020, early days of covid? I think we were all collectively (and validly) living in our brain stems. Living in the brain stem results in impulsive, reflexive behavior – rational thought is gone. Ongoing violence thrives on impulsive, reflexive behavior.
What practices can help us when it’s hard to choose love in a violent world?
The answer is what Margaret Renkle says above, “You elect to love anyway. It’s an act of attention, and an act of concentration, and it’s a decision always.”
Dr. Perry outlines three steps.
Step 1 is Regulation. These are tools you all know already – meditation, music, yoga, cooking, gardening, hobbies, being in nature, physical outlets… Brain Stem
Step 2 is Relational. Community. Valuable work. Family time. Bonding. Intimacy. Worship. Volunteering. The brain reads positive human interactions/ connectedness as pleasure or reward. Moving upwards in brain.
Step 3 is Reason. Employing creativity, thinking, language, values, time and hope. Cortex
Why do humans, families, communities, groups, corporations, countries partake in violence? This is one of the mysteries of life. I have no answers for you. How can I return to my own center, in a violent world? The 3 Steps make sense to me, and when I have put them in practice, they have helped me.
Long term entrenched violence requires regulation, relational bonding and reasoning. It requires acts of attention, concentration, and commitment by all parties.
May we all be filled with lovingkindness
May we all be joyful and healthy
May we all be safe and free from fear
May we all think, speak and act from our highest selves
May we all know peace
Wishing you and your families a wonderful Thanksgiving.
Warmly,
Kim
Resources:
Late Migrations: A Natural History of Love and Loss by Margaret Renkle
Light on Yoga by B.K.S. Iyengar
Caste by Isabel Wilkerson
The Fire Next Time by James Baldwin
Studio Spine - Lucienne Vidah
What Happened to You? by Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey
Mending Matter - How to Right Wrongs
What if we looked at apologies as ways to grow, instead of defending our identity as a good person, instead of leaning into our fragility? What if we thought of apologies as opportunities for creative repair - like a pair of favorite ripped jeans that we embroider into something useful and beautiful?
How do apologies feel in your body? For me, effective apologies feel like there’s been a meaningful repair, a deepening of relationship, a building of trust with the other person. Those feel warm and cozy inside. But ineffective apologies feel like there’s a squashing of the issue, a lack of accountability, perhaps even gas lighting, and a rush to move on. Those don’t feel good.
I am human. I am flawed. There are times when I am not my best self. There are times when I am not acting from integrity. There are times when I cause harm. How can I get back to my best self, my integrity? How can I repair the harm I caused?
Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg, sites Maimonides, the 12th. century Jewish philosopher, in her essay, On Repentance and Repair. Rabbi Ruttenberg says Maimonides outlines 5 steps for the process of repair and repentance:
1) Owning the harm – working through the cognitive dissonance of seeing myself as a good person and accepting the fact that my behavior has caused pain, and that I have work to do to rectify the situation/ relationship. “it’s me that’s the problem”
2) Beginning to change – educating self, therapy… actions to understand the root of why I behaved in a certain way and learning new ways of being
3) Making amends –giving of time or resources, asking what the harmed person needs
4) Apologizing- by this point in the process, the harm doer has been transformed, has grown and learned about the pain caused, so an apology is now flowing from a truly contrite heart. It lands with sincerity, and authenticity. It’s victim centered.
5) Making better choices- going forward, I will use what I have learned from this experience, and these are the explicit changes I will make to try and not repeat this harm
When I speak or behave in a way that harms others, and then realize what I have done, my stomach feels like it’s being grabbed and twisted, giving rise to remorse, anguish and physical pain. Sometimes, I harm others and I am not aware of it. When it’s brought to my attention, my immediate response is to want to shrink inward, go into a shame spiral, and make defensive excuses. Either sequence of events feels icky inside; this kind of emotional and physical response doesn’t help the harmed, me, nor the situation/ relationship.
Rabbi Ruttenberg says, apologies are “not only interpersonal, but also public, institutional, and national in nature”. A public harm requires a public apology. “Faux apologies are a master class in how to fail at taking responsibility and fully owning the harm that one has done.”
While quickly apologizing is a well -meaning intention, it can be a faux apology. Giving apologies following the 5-steps, is really hard for me; especially step 1! I want desperately to verbalize the extenuating circumstance defenses that led to my behavior. Sometimes when I harm, there are some very valid extenuating circumstances. Yet, if my intention is sincerely to repair, to apologize, I have to refrain from citing those circumstances- it’s just not the right time to bring them up to the person I have pained. My extenuating circumstances are not the responsibility of the one being harmed – I am still accountable for my own behavior, even under those circumstances.
In conversation, the word Karma is frequently used. It’s interpreted as ‘what goes around, comes around’. This is an oversimplification. Karma is the yoga of action. Intention is vital AND action is equally important; they are meant to be aligned. To say or hear an “I’m sorry” without the action components Maimonides laid out, is an incomplete practice of Karma yoga. Further, in Karma yoga, intention and actions are done without requiring or attaching to any expected outcomes.
Sometimes confronting the victim with an apology and then an expectation of forgiveness, is not in the best interest of the victim. A powerful example of this is when I volunteered as a Junior Keeper in Hidden Water, a non-profit restorative justice response to the impact of childhood sexual abuse on individuals and families. In my experience, giving victims permission to Not prioritize religious, family and society’s pressure of forgiveness for perpetrators and enablers, resulted in the victims being able to use their energy to fully focus on their own inner healing. Often the source pushing for compulsory forgiveness, is vested in sustaining an existing power dynamic – this is true on an individual, institutional and societal level. Forgiveness is a really provocative topic – and I won’t get further into it here.
Let’s visit the gas lighting apology: “Sorry you feel that way.” “Sorry if you feel upset by this.” “Sorry if I upset you.” These are not apologies. These are statements of invalidating one’s right to have feelings. We are always allowed to have our own feelings. Period.
After working with my feelings around apology in therapy, reading about it, and trying it out in real time, I have found that there can definitely be creativity in repair.
I used to feel that apologies were to be avoided, because that meant there was something I needed to apologize for, which would make me feel badly about myself. But I discovered the 5 -step apology, even though challenging, results in better outcomes.
Instead of giving lame apologies that make me feel awkward around the person I harmed, I try to follow the 5-step process. My apologies are better received because they’re just better apologies; thus allowing me to feel better about myself, to get back on track with my integrity.
And yes, sometimes, the other person just does not accept my apology and while that doesn’t feel good, I have still grown from the 5 -step apology process.
And yes, I am still human and thus, flawed. Sometimes I find myself apologizing for my poor apology.
Creative repair, indeed.
Resources: Repentance and Repair by Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg
White Fragility by Robin Deangelo
Glennon Doyle - We Can Do Hard Things interview - Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg
Kindness
"Continue to be who and how you are, to astonish a mean world with acts of kindness. Continue to allow humor to lighten the burden of your tender heart.”
Maya Angelou
You are kind. I see and understand your kindness. Some people are motivated to be kind because of their religion. Some people are motivated to be kind because it gives them a sense of worth and purpose. I believe we’re kind because it’s just part of who we are, it’s embedded in us.
There are those who say kindness is naive, ineffective; makes one weak. Yet, I believe, it’s my kindness that is the foundation of my strength. Kindness does not equate with passivity, frailty or timidness; I am kind AND a fairly tough nut. :) No one rolls over me, like a compactor pressing asphalt into a road.
Jungian analyst, Robert A. Johnson, said, ‘If you can touch your shadow, and do something out of the ordinary pattern, a great deal of energy will flow from it.’
Shadows often give rise to rage, doubt, the need to control, fear, resistance, frustration, judgment, and resentment. These are all reasonable responses to emotional, physical, and societal triggers.
But, if I can touch my shadow, by sitting alongside it, by being curious as to what it would like to say to me, then I have opened space around a pattern. Then, for me, out of this bit of space, compassion for this particular shadow arises from within me. I have, for this particular moment, shifted a pattern; a single shift in patterning verifies, for me, that such change is possible and fruitful, even at this stage of my life.
From this process, a great deal of kindness energy emerges. It feels warm and loving inside; kindness turned inward onto me.
Having an abundance of shadows is helpful in giving me lots of practice with this “do something out of the ordinary pattern”. :)
Humor can be defined as the comical aspect. Maya Angelou recognized the power of kindness and humor. Humor, even dark humor, gives us light heartedness, perspective, and healing laughter. Kindness and humor - what a lovely, effective combo!
Naomi Shihab Nye, in her poem entitled, Kindness, speaks tenderly of the origins and ways of kindness. I love this poem; its rawness and grace lift me up.
Kindness
Before you know what kindness really is
you must lose things,
feel the future dissolve in a moment
like salt in a weakened broth.
What you held in your hand,
what you counted and carefully saved,
all this must go so you know
how desolate the landscape can be
between the regions of kindness.
How you ride and ride
thinking the bus will never stop,
the passengers eating maize and chicken
will stare out the window forever.
Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness
you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho lies dead by the side of the road.
You must see how this could be you,
how he too was someone
who journeyed through the night with plans
and the simple breath that kept him alive.
Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside, you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.
You must wake up with sorrow.
You must speak to it till your voice
catches the thread of all sorrows
and you see the size of the cloth.
Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore, only kindness that ties your shoes
and sends you out into the day to purchase bread, only kindness that raises its head
from the crowd of the world to say
It is I you have been looking for,
and then goes with you everywhere
like a shadow or a friend.
Naomi Shihab Nye
"Continue to be who and how you are, to astonish a mean world with acts of kindness. Continue to allow humor to lighten the burden of your tender heart.”
Maya Angelou
Lymphatic Health - Part 3: Lymphatic Drainage Augments Craniosacral Work
All body parts ( bones, muscles, organs, etc) should move independently of their neighbors. When body parts don’t move the way they are supposed to move, the restrictions interfere with proper body functioning. *
The first of these Lymphatic Health blog posts explored the lymphatic system and its benefits, Lymphatic Health -Part 1. The second blog post went over techniques and tips to support your lymphatic system Lymphatic Health - Part 2 . I encourage you to read these for a background in lymphatics.
This post details why, when you come to me for a session, I combine lymphatic drainage and craniosacral to result in an optimum outcome.
In lymphatic drainage and craniosacral, I use my hands to assess whether the body has normal movement; noting areas of restriction, weakness, and over mobility. Using gentle touch, I restore proper mobility.
Areas of restriction, weakness and over mobility are often caused by 1) structural differences (i.e. scoliosis, smaller or larger hip sockets, sunken sternum,…) 2) injury 3) surgery 4) long held tension associated with stress 5) compensatory patterns 6) scarring 7) response to physical and/or emotional trauma, and most recently, 8) long covid symptoms
Restrictions, weakness and over mobility can lead to pain. Why? Because we have receptors in our body that deliver messages from the brain to a body part and/or from a body part to the brain. When something’s wrong, one way the body communicates it to your mind is through pain, so that you will take an action to restore balance within the body. It’s common for us to ignore these messages and thus the restrictions, weaknesses, and over mobility situations worsen.
Many of you know that I think of the systems of the body as a set of rivers. River water will continue to flow around any obstacles it encounters, such as large rocks or fallen trees, but it’s just not flowing as smoothly. This is the same for the body. When the body’s rivers are flowing smoothly, all is well. Lymphatic drainage works to remove the top layer of fallen trees and rocks. And once the body’s river is cleared of these surface obstacles, I use craniosacral to remove the underlying, long held in place obstacles. Once the deeper obstacles are removed, then the body’s rivers are free to flow fully and in a more productive pattern. And the pain related to these obstacles often goes away. To sustain this free flow and new patterning, I apply yoga therapy, tailored to your specific needs.
It’s taken a long time, but the US medical community is finally coming around to the realization that lymphatic drainage and craniosacral are effective, economical, and gentle solutions to many chronic issues that are not being solved through medications. In Europe, lymphatic drainage and craniosacral are routinely administered in the normal course of health care.
If you have any questions about lymphatic drainage and craniosacral, please reach out to me. I practice these modalities on myself on a regular basis. For me, lymphatic drainage and craniosacral allow my posture to be upright despite my severe scoliosis, calm my nervous system which tends towards agitation, and sustains a healthy skin tone, facial symmetry, and well functioning digestive and elimination system.
Resources: * The Carol Gray Center for CST Studies
To book a session with me - Contact me
Cleveland Clinic - What is craniosacral?
Leah Levitan - @lymphloveclub
Lymphatic Health - Part 2: Lymphatic Self- Treatments
Muscle pressure - muscle activation
Intake - water, toxic load
Central nervous system - vagus nerve
Clothing - nonrestrictive clothing
Cleansing & Moisturizing
Gravity - rebounder, legs up the wall
Superficial skin treatments -dry brushing, “The Big Six”
Last letter, we explored the lymphatic system and its benefits. If you haven’t read it, I suggest reading the previous letter first. Lymphatic Health -Part 1 Today, let’s look at techniques and tips to support your lymphatic system. Friendly reminder - your body is always rooting for you; it’s constantly trying to keep you well and balanced. Even doing 1 of these techniques with regularity will improve your lymphatic system. You do NOT need to do all of these! :)
Muscle pressure- Unlike the cardiovascular system, which uses the heart to pump blood for circulation, the lymphatic system relies on muscle activation to propel lymph fluid through the system. The less we move, the more stagnant the lymph system becomes. Move in anyway you like! Dancing, yoga, sex, swimming, laughing, deep breathing…Laughing and deep breathing move the muscles of the face and thoracic area.
Intake- Hydration- viscosity and velocity of lymph fluid is dependent on the ability to flow. Water markedly improves flow. Food, pesticides and Chemicals - the body is constantly trying to cleanse you of toxins that enter the body or are placed on the skin. Try to reduce your toxin load - Examples: opting for non-fragrance products, aluminum free anti-perspirants, eating organic minimally processed foods, reducing chemical cleaners, spraying less chemicals on the lawn… I realize that eating organic is more expensive. Even shying away from the most pesticide covered fruits and vegetables will reduce the load on your system. Or purchase non-organic fruits and vegetables with a lower pesticide load.
Central Nervous System (CNS)- The vagus or vagal nerves are the main nerves of the parasympathetic nervous system. This system controls digestion, heart rate, blood pressure, respiration, immunity and mood. Tight neck muscles impinge on the vagus nerve’s functioning. Prolonged stress results in living in sympathetic, “fight or flight”, mode; also damaging to the vagus nerve. Animal studies have demonstrated a remarkable regeneration capacity of the vagus nerve.
Ways to address vagus nerve: Enhance parasympathetic system –meditation, yoga, deep breathing, laughter, full night of sleep, supporting gut health, neck muscle care: Self -massage at base of neck, shoulder rolls, shrug shoulders up to ears and hold for 6 seconds and then let go- repeat 3x, heating pad around neck, proper pillow support.
Clothing - Compression – Constrictive clothing can inhibit lymph flow. Underwire bras, tight belts and bands of elastic can create barriers. Limit the use of these, maybe cycle in some looser clothing pieces to allow your lymph vessels to flow freely, without any constrictions. For more serious concerns about moving lymph, clothing with gradient pressure can help to improve blood/lymph flow by squeezing the veins and lymphatic vessels to help it all circulate back up towards the heart. When purchasing compression garments ensure they are marked medical grade; many garments are marketed as compression, but they’re not gradient. I know finding a comfortable and supportive bra (whether it be underwire or not) is an ongoing challenge, especially for those with larger breasts. There are finally some better non-wire bra options though. Perhaps cycle in no wire or braless times into your life.
Cleansing and Moisturizing- Cleansing the sinus cavity aids in reducing the amount of residue and toxins that the tiny lymphatic vessels of the face have to contend with. Using a Neti pot, in the evening, washes away the day’s particles. This is especially important if you’re working in a field that has a high potential for airborne particles such as with fabrics, in basements, with hair, lots of papers or outside or in dusty spaces. Rinse nasal passages long enough before bedtime so that you can feel comfortable lying dying for sleep.
Moisturizing - Moisturize in a pattern similar to dry brushing, which means starting at the nodes and working your way outward. See Dry Brushing videos below for specifics. Starting at the ankles or the hands instead of the armpits and groin, respectively, can clog lymph vessels and impede draining.
Gravity - Rebounding or jumping on a mini-trampoline will aid in moving lymph. Rebound manufacturers often cite a 1980 study by NASA which concluded that rebounding had positive aerobic, musculature and bone impact, but, full disclosure, it didn’t specifically address lymph flow. While there aren’t more current studies, it is qualitatively known that bouncing will help promote lymph flow from the feet up the legs, because the action is pushing against gravity. Holding the arms overhead while jumping helps pull the lymph from the hands down into the armpits. P.S. no need to jump high- feet can maintain contact with the trampoline and if putting your arms overhead destabilizes you, hold onto the safety bar.
Legs up the wall. Place a folded towel or yoga blanket about 8- 10 inches from a wall. Come onto your back, placing your sacrum onto the folded towel or blanket. Swing your legs up onto the wall (be mindful of your back), placing your heels on the wall. Arms at your side. Allow toes to roll away from each other. Rest here for 5 – 7 minutes. To come out, bend knees and roll onto your side. Pause there for a minute and then push hands into the ground to bring your self upright.
Superficial Skin Treatments
Dry Brushing & clearing the Big Six - helps the outermost lymph vessels move. Leah Levitan, is a lymphatic drainage therapist in Austin, Texas (thanks for introducing her to me, Hillary!). While visiting my parents in Texas, I experienced a session with Leah. It was effective and innovative! For dry brushing & a quick lymph self drainage, I am attaching links to her IG account. Why reinvent the wheel? :) She does an awesome job! If you are not on Instagram, contact me and we can figure out another way to get you this info.
Dry Brushing for the Arm Dry Brushing for the Leg The Big Six
Please note - Leah has lots of tattoos! She got them before her lymphatic journey. She still loves them, but because of them, she is super conscious of her own drainage
The above techniques and tips, coupled with lymphatic drainage sessions provide a thorough cleansing and reset of your lymphatic system. Lymphatic drainage sessions reach deeper - into the organs and sub-levels of the lymphatic system. Try some of these suggestions! The body is a wonderful self-rejuvenating being. Please let me know how these work for you.
Resources: To book a Lymphatic session - Contact me
Lymphatic System. Cleveland Clinic
Leah Levitan - @lymphloveclub
Lymphatic Health - Part 1: What is it? Inflammation, Tattoos, and Alzheimer's Disease
Conditions lymphatic drainage can help with
Edema. Swelling. Fluid retention. Sinusitis. Congestion. Puffy eyes. Allergy symptoms. Ear aches and fluid in ears. Eczema. Bruises. Brain fog. Long covid symptoms. Reduces scar tissue including C -Section pouch, and fibrosis. Lessens post surgery recovery time. Lessens pain. Increases efficiency in digestion and elimination systems. Calms nervous system.
Lymphatics content is everywhere! Why? Because recent research indicates that a healthy lymphatic system is crucial to reducing inflammation, and aids in improving skin vibrancy. Inflammation has been linked with many chronic conditions. Recent research has also determined that lymphatic vessels play an important role in neuroinflammatory diseases such as MS. Other research suggests, a well draining lymphatic system could slow the progression of Alzheimer’s disease.
Publications, TikTok, FB, Instagram…. There’s a huge gap in education and content creation out there. A large number of influencers, usually educated in skin care, focus solely on cosmetic treatments for people in good health. Their guidance is not complete/accurate for those who have chronic conditions or medical/ health needs.
I am trained in the Vodder technique of lymphatic drainage. I chose the Vodder technique because it’s clinical grade and has been extensively researched. I give myself lymphatic treatments every day. Self-agency in health has always been my personal goal. My goals for you are to 1) aid in your long-term health, 2) help you move and feel better, 3) unclog your lymphatic system so it can function optimally, and 4) educate and empower you to maintain your own health.
Strangely enough, the lymphatic system was more or less ignored by the American medical community, until 25 years ago. A big shout out to my good friend Wendy Chaite, who founded the Lymphatic Education and Research Network in 1998, in response to the lack of medical knowledge and care available to her daughter, Melanie, who was born with primary lymphedema. Among other renowned lymphatic endeavors and accomplishments, Wendy secured NIH lymphatics research grants in 2004, catapulting lymphatics medical research.
Let’s dive deep into this topic. Part 1, today’s letter, explores inflammation, tattoos, and lymphatics’ relationship with Alzheimer’s disease. Part 2’s letter will include lots of goodies on self-treating your lymphatic system at home. Part 3’s letter – How craniosacral treatment augments the benefits of lymphatic drainage.
What does the lymphatic system do? In simple terms:
Reduces swelling/ fluid retention. Absorbs fats from digestive tract. Produces lymphocytes - white blood cells which identify and destroy invaders. Transports and removes waste products to be eliminated. The lymphatic system is made up of vessels which run alongside blood vessels and which carry immune cells and waste to lymph nodes. Lymphatic vessels extend into the brain’s meninges, which are membranes that surround the brain and spinal cord.
Inflammation- a Basic discussion
“Inflammation is a normal physiological defense against pathogen infection and tissue damage and it quickly ends under normal circumstances. However, in many chronic conditions, the inflammatory response continues and leads to significant tissue and organ damage. Recently, increasing evidences have shown that the abnormal inflammatory response is closely associated with many chronic diseases, especially in autoimmune diseases.” NIH, published 2/28/2019. The lymphatic system reduces inflammation by draining fluids and cells from the affected area and returning it to the bloodstream for use or elimination.
I have a few autoimmune conditions. Autoimmune conditions are rampant among women. Mine are leaky gut, Hashimoto’s disease, lichen sclerosis, and vitiligo. Plus, I have a high sensitivity to Oxalates. Oxalates are natural compounds found in fruits, vegetables, nuts, and grains.
Through changes in diet, supplements, yoga, emotional therapy, walking, and self -administered craniosacral and lymphatic drainage, I am effectively managing these conditions. Because of my daily commitment to my health, I am doing well.
I know that sounds like a lot of work, and it is. I was so sick that I had no choice, but to choose me. These conditions serve as constant reminders to take care of myself, because flare ups happen when I am not doing that. And lymphatic drainage is crucial in resetting my system when I get off track such as having too much sugar or alcohol, or poor sleep. Draining my lymphatic system quickly reduces the onset of swelling, brain fog and fluid retention.
Tattoos
Tattoos are beautiful and expressive! Like everything we put on our skin and into our bodies, we need to be conscious of impact. Research shows that tattoo ink and tattoo needle shards can be found in lymph nodes. This can cause an inflammatory process that can result in fibrosis. Fibrosis is the thickening and scarring of connective tissue. Lymphatic health maintenance is super important because ink and shards in the lymph nodes, put a drag on the lymphatic system. Read the next Letter – Lymphatics Part 2 for self- care at home.
Current Developments in Lymphatic System’s Relationship with Alzheimer’s Disease
It’s an exciting time in lymphatics research! Below, to ensure accuracy, is a cut and paste summary from an NIH study, published 4/28/2021.
“Enhancing the brain’s lymphatic system when administering immunotherapies may lead to better clinical outcomes for Alzheimer’s disease patients, according to a new study in mice.
Abnormal buildup of amyloid-beta is one hallmark of Alzheimer’s disease. The brain’s lymphatic drainage system, which removes cellular debris and other waste, plays an important part in that accumulation.
For this study, the research team sought to determine whether changing how well the lymphatic drainage works in the brain could affect the levels of amyloid-beta and the success of antibody treatments that target amyloid-beta.
Mice with less functional lymphatic systems had greater buildup of amyloid-beta plaques and of other immune cells that cause inflammation, which is another factor in Alzheimer’s pathology. Moreover, when the researchers compared immune cells in the brains of human Alzheimer’s patients with those of the mice whose meningeal lymphatic system had been diminished, they found that the genetic fingerprints of certain immune cells in the brain, the microglia, were very similar between people with the disease and mice with defective lymphatic vessels.”
More studies like this are in progress. I will keep you updated on their findings.
Questions about your situation? Please contact me. Let’s discuss your health needs and how I can serve you.
With me, you will always get accurate, clinical level lymphatic protocols, honest education, and simple take home tools geared towards your particular needs. It is my honor to walk alongside you, on your journey to wholeness.
Resources: Brain’s Waste Removal System May Offer Path to Better Outcomes in Alzheimer’s Therapy, published April 28,2021
Emerging Role of Meningeal Lymphatic Vessels Alzheimer’s Disease, published January 18, 2023
NIH What Happens in Alzheimer’s?
University of Virginia Today Publication
Research on the Glial-lymphatic System and its Relationship with Alzheimer’s Disease published June 16,2021
Leah Levitan - @lymphloveclub
Tiger Moms and Other Tropes
Motherly caring - affectionate, caretaking, comforting, devoted, and fond. To treat a person with great kindness and love and to try to protect them from anything dangerous or difficult.
Trauma - deeply distressing or disturbing experiences for you.
"The most beautiful part of your body is wherever your mother's shadow falls."
Ocean Vuong
You might remember me speaking of the young poet Ocean Vuong before. His relationship with his mother was full of resistance and love; not so different than many of our own relationships with our mothers.
Motherhood** and mothering have so many tropes - doting mother, obsessive mother, Tiger mother, Jewish mother, perfectionist mother, Italian mother, controlling mother…. Ocean Vuong, NY Times best selling poetry author of Time is a Mother, in his interview, speaks of his personal experience of his mother’s complexities, “ (they) come from her being hurt and from systems that began before she was born. She tried her best. Every mother had their limit and that renders them human, not a stereotype.” Vuong’s experience of his mother, allows for empathy and acceptance of an imperfect AND loving mother. A mother, where all parts are acceptable, not just the ones listed on a Hallmark card. I love that.
He goes on to say that, in his experience, the Tiger Mom stereotype doesn’t recognize the powerful resilience that his Vietnamese mother exhibited in teaching him how to survive, having herself come from a place of starvation and war. That the very perceived negative qualities of the Tiger Mom trope arise from her own trauma, and as an outcome, she had a mothering desire to educate and bring up her child to be well prepared for this world.
I can so relate to this. In my desire to prepare my children for the world, I overcompensated in ways that were intended to shield them from my own traumas.
For example, I was raised in a super messy, unorganized, chaotic home. I have compassion for my mother, in understanding her traumas, and the very valid reasons for her behaviors. I now see how her trauma infused behaviors played out in my life.
In response to my childhood, I over compensated by expending a lot of energy on perfecting and controlling my own family’s environment and experiences to minimize chaos, dirtiness, and disorganization. One could call me some tropes; perfectionist mother, controlling mother.. There is truth to these tropes, yet they don’t appreciate, as Ocean points out, the situations from which those actions arose, nor the fullness of my being.
Of course, I am accountable for all of my behaviors. I am not, in any way, saying that meaning well excuses harm. The tropes that arise from traumas require actions by me to be accountable: acknowledgment, boundaries, listening, loving, conversations… I don’t want to carry the behaviors from which the tropes are borne. And that’s where my work is.
I also want society to stop labeling me, and all mothers, with any tropes. That’s shaming and we certainly don’t deserve that. The problem isn’t with who I am. The problem is with a system that defines mothers unrealistically, and them shames us for falling short of unattainable expectations. Also, mother tropes ignore the participation or non-participation of fathers, whose behaviors are also borne of their own traumas and responses to societal pressures.
We are all complex, imperfect AND loving beings. Let’s celebrate our full selves.
Which mother tropes were talked about in your culture of origin? What was your mother’s trauma, from which her lessons sprang? What lessons do you think your mother was trying to teach you? How have you mothered in response to your own experiences?
**When I say Mother, I refer to - birth mothers, adoptive mothers, aunties, grandmothers, LGBTQIA care givers, trans caregivers, foster mothers, estranged from children mothers, those with children passed on, mothers in law, mothers living and those passed on, and, caretaker fathers…If I haven’t mentioned you, or have inaccurately identified you, please know that my omission or misstatement is unintentional and I welcome you correcting me
Resources: On Being with Krista Tippet - Ocean Vuong interview
Ocean Vuong’s NYT Bestselling novel
Find out more about Ocean Vuong
Mind the Gap
“L’esprit d’escalier”
A French saying attributed to the philosopher Diderot. It means thinking of the perfect reply later on, when you have gone down the stairs, away from the situation.
“The most painful thing is to be misaligned. To have your life out here, different than in here.”
Cheryl Strayed - Author of Wild and Brave Enough
I am at a fortunate time in my life; I have opportunities to reflect and reinvent. I am grateful to voices, including those of my children, in advancing new perspectives on living a life of meaning.
One of the areas I am working on is closing the gap between when someone says something that I may disagree with or feel uncomfortable about, and me responding authentically in real time; instead of thinking of what I wished I had said at a later time, after the moment has passed, when I am at the bottom of the steps.
An example of me not being authentic is being too malleable. This looks like responding with “whatever you want is fine with me” way too often, even when it wasn’t fine with me. Over time, this led others (and me) to believe that my needs and desires were not important.
Other examples of non -authentic responses that I used to do:
Silence, while averting eye contact-which ostensibly means neutrality, but in truth is a cowardly acquiescence to the views and actions of the speaker
Smiling and nodding and waiting patiently for the speaker to just stop talking – I have used this when I was mansplained to. Or being subjected to humble bragging. Or people going on incessantly about themselves, but never inquiring about me. Or being subjected to rudeness in the form of “it’s just a joke”.
Defensiveness on behalf of or excusing the behavior of the speaker –because I am aligned with the speaker (partner, family, friend…). I am doing this as an act of caretaking or protecting the speaker’s feelings. I defend their position or excuse their words/behavior, regardless if I agree or disagree with the speaker’s words and actions. I double down because of pride and as an expression of loyalty.
Avoidance. Doing tasks or keeping busy a few steps away from the conversation– pretending like I am not a part of the conversation and thus am not aware of the words and actions of the speakers in the conversation.
None of these behaviors made me feel good about myself.
When I am able to respond timely, clearly, compassionately, with confidence, with connection, courageously, and in alignment with my values and feelings, it feels so satisfying. So, why would I abandon myself to the above behaviors?
Clinical psychologist and NY Times best seller, Dr. Nicole LePera, explores “Good Girl” conditioning; it’s being agreeable, polite and nice, to never show anger, to allow people to violate boundaries and to hide needs in order to please others. Young girls who take on these traits are rewarded in families and within cultures. Dr. LePerla writes, “Being a ‘good girl’ comes with a high price though because we aren’t able to say we’re uncomfortable, tell someone ‘no’ (set a boundary), or express how we truly feel. From a young age, girls start to go into a freeze or fawn trauma response because of this.” Freeze is a dissociated state. Fawn is an over appeasing, going along with, or avoiding conflict state. Further, Dr. LePera explains,” Over time, the good girl comes to believe that her role in a social setting is to be liked. This leads to hyper-vigilance; a focus on what people think of her, how she appears, and if she’s being well received.”
How can I possibly expect anyone else to respect me, if I do not respect my own values? Why would I adhere to a system that asks me to abandon myself?
I would like to get better at responding authentically in real time, for more ease in my own life; to show up for myself. I am now consciously opting out of Good Girl behavior; I do not want to remain uncomfortable simply so someone else can maintain their own level of comfort. I am opting out of living the Good Girl life because it requires me to abandon myself.
If in that process, someone else experiences growth, well, all the better. Alternatively, if a person experiences discomfort from me being authentic, then so be it; I cannot control another’s response.
I acknowledge that being able to speak up, to speak my truth, is a luxury not available to everyone. Speaking truth to people in power could put at risk one’s emotional, physical or financial security. And I am aware that speaking may not necessarily rectify the situation. I am Not advocating for self-harm; your safety is always the most important thing.
Yet, there is a shift that happens -within myself, and between the speaker and me, and also amongst those around us, when I do speak truthfully in the now.
How do I strengthen the muscle of a real time authentic response?
Practice! I practice in conversations with friends and family who are safe for me. Sometimes, speaking truth to the special people in my life feels harder than speaking to a stranger. I have been trying to have more compassionate, clear and connected conversations with the special people in my life; on both tough and easier topics. I give myself permission to make mistakes, to circle back & be accountable and if needed, apologize, when I have misspoken or misheard, and try again. It’s scary to show up differently. I get it. Often, it’s not a single conversation, but a series of explorations of my truth and another’s truth. In doing this practice, some of these relationships have deepened, and some, I am sorry to say, have not. Yet, I feel better in being authentic, regardless of the outcome.
Discernment – It is not my responsibility nor my place to voice my truth ALL, 100%, of the time. My truth may not be your truth. I give myself permission to opt out sometimes and listen instead. Maybe, even if I disagree with your viewpoint, this moment is for consciously listening and asking open ended questions for more information.
Self- Awareness - It’s in the noticing that Awareness begins to expand
A. Think over and/or journal these questions: How does the concept of Good Girl conditioning resonate with me? Is this my experience or not? What characteristics were rewarded in my family and culture? How does it feel in my body, right now, to think of these concepts?
Name a time when I was able to authentically respond in real time. How did I feel in that moment? Why did I respond timely, compassionately, and clearly? Name a time when I was unable to respond authentically in real time. How did I feel about that? Why could I not respond timely, compassionately, and clearly?
B. In real time, ask yourself, where is this comment/ question landing in my body? How does it feel within my body? Is the speaker’s truth, my truth?
Respond with Questions / Inquiries – put the speaker to work instead of yourself
This can be as simple as “Tell me more about that.” This also looks like: 1)For an offensive joke: “ huh, I don’t get it. Why is that funny?”. 2) For statements about partner preferences and/or genders: “Please tell me more about how X have harmed you” OR “what are your fears about X?” Or “if your concerns do come to pass, what would that mean for you?” 3) For unconscious bias comments,” What is your underlying concern?” Or “ What about that bothers you?” Or “I am not fully understanding your point. What does that mean?” Or “Please unpack that for me.” Or, “I am ok with X, please share with me why that is not ok with you” 4)For conscious bias comments, “What is your ultimate vision of the way X should be?” OR “How did your life experiences impact the way you see this?” Or “What is causing your discomfort with X?”
Calming the nervous system
Cultivates clear thinking, emotional and physical stability, mental clarity and a sense of openness towards self and others. A calm nervous system enables one to bring ease to hypervigilant freeze or fawn trauma.
Yoga and stretching. Healing modalities like craniosacral and myofascial release. Connecting with nature. Listening to brain wave music.
Reassurance – when someone steps in to “help” or knows how to do it better than you
This looks like politely and firmly letting the other person know you’ve got this, and don’t need their input. Thank them for their concern, and that you promise to reach out to them, if you find you need help.
This may need to be stated several times. Remember, they’re coming from a desire, at best, to help you, or at worst, to control you. Set clear and compassionate boundaries for yourself. You are worthy of that.
More Me vs. Good Girl
Those who truly appreciate me, welcome me speaking authentically in real time. When I do that, I am “More Me”. More Me is so much more interesting than Good Girl me. Good Girl is exhausted from keeping up appearances and others comfort levels. More Me is energized. More Me is at ease in her skin and ok with being imperfect and messy. More Me cries more often, hugs more often, and laughs more often.
What are the characteristics of your More Me? How can you access More Me for yourself? What methods have helped you show up more authentically? Please share your experiences - we all learn from each other.
Resources:
Dr. Nicole LePera. @the.holisitic.psychologist
Kripalu Yoga: A Guide to Practice On and Off the Mat by Richard Faulds
Craniosacral and Myofacial Release Session - Contact me -let’s discuss calming your nervous system
Kinship
The way that Kaitlin Curtice, award-winning author, poet-storyteller, and public speaker describes kinship with self, other women, and mother earth, touched me deeply. I thought long and hard about how to share her with all of you, when I realized that directly sharing her words with you, is the way to go.
So, for the first time ever, I am stepping aside and sharing the “microphone”. I give you a podcast and its notes. The podcast starts slowly, hang in there until the 25th minute or so. It’s well worth it.
Glennon Doyle. We Can Do Hard Things. Episode 187. 5 Ways to Be More Present.
1. How to listen to the signals our bodies give us, and other concrete strategies to hold on to being human.
2. The healing power of honoring and reconnecting with our little girl selves and with our Mother Earth.
3. How, if all else fails, we can practice presence and embodiment by talking to a house plant.
4. The traumatizing effect of purity culture, colonization, and assimilation, and how to come home to the wholeness of our core nature, desire, and wisdom.
5. Concrete, everyday acts of rebellion that help us regain what we lost, and restore us to who we really are.
How to Be With Emotions
I love hearing from you. Thanks for your Newsletter encouragement, and for sharing your stories with me.
Several people had questions on the Gratitude letter. 1) How to be with, not bypass, emotional pain? and 2) What tools help hold gratitude and pain simultaneously? Tough questions! I love it!
Gratitude and emotional pain are states of being; emotions produce physiological, behavioral and cognitive changes.
This letter shares the practical tools that help me Be with my emotions in an open, curious, compassionate, calm, courageous, confident, clear and connected way. These are the 7 C’s of Internal Family Systems.
I am currently working on this, so please know that the tools I am sharing with you, are the very same ones I am reminding myself to do all the time.
Disassociation from my body and emotions started at an early age, and continued well into adulthood. Yoga helped me embody. And therapy helped uncover the valid reasons for this disassociation. I discovered, that although I am adept as a yoga teacher at holding space for other’s emotional well -being, I was unable to be with the full range of my own emotions, and some of those of my children. Not fun to admit, yet true.
Please note, the below tools are similar to daily exercises, in that I use them to create an emotions awareness foundation. There are lots of mainstream tools that I have used for years – yoga, meditation, breath work, somatics, EMDR, talk therapy…all valuable. The ones below are less well known, practical, free and easily accessible for all.
Feeling emotions – not bypassing
Label the feeling - Identifying the specific emotion presenting helps me know my true Self better. Download this 87 Human Emotions & Experiences Chart , created by Brene Brown, to accurately label your feelings.
For example, If I describe my feelings as stress, (a state of mental or emotional tension), but I am actually feeling overwhelmed (drowning and need help), I have understated my feelings, and perhaps in doing so, don’t signal to others that I need help, or don’t even realize myself how much help I need.
Or, if I feel I was over looked for something, I may say I feel resentment - bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly. But the underlying truth may be, I am really jealous - feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements and advantages; which really means that I wish I had that thing too; that I would like to manifest that in my life too. And that’s important information for me to know about me and the goals I set for myself.
Contraction and Release – If I am not in my body, how can I expect myself to be able to feel and be with my emotions? There are lots of wonderful ways to get in the body ( yoga, walking, singing, dancing…). Contraction and Release can be done anywhere, anytime, standing or sitting.
Mildly tense toes and feet (you don’t get bonus points for over tensing – that can cause cramps). Notice how it feels to apply effort – hold for a few rounds of breath. On an exhale, release this effort. Repeat - systematically moving up the legs, mildly tensing and releasing lower leg muscles, then thighs, then buttocks.
I stop at my bottom, because I use this practice for grounding. Often in savasana, yoga resting, the entire body is tensed and released – that has a different quality for me, resulting in sleepiness instead of reconnecting with my physical body. Experiment with what works for you.
Stop Categorizing an Emotion as Bad or Good- Labeling emotions as bad or good makes me hide from some emotions and grasping for others. An emotion provides me with information about myself. And acknowledging an emotion (like anger, fear, passion, excitement…) doesn’t mean I have to act on it.
I was taught that “bad” emotions must be suppressed; the problem is that it’s difficult to fully feel the “good” emotions, because I can’t selectively suppress one kind of emotion; they can all get suppressed. Surprisingly, the more I let myself feel the “bad” emotions, the more I am able to feel the “good” emotions – because I am not restraining myself.
Holding two seemingly opposing emotions at once
Building the muscles of equal holding – I consciously sit with opposing emotions on a regular basis. For example, a rainy grey day, for me, feels like melancholy and gratitude. Melancholy because the rain and greyness bring on a sadness for no obvious cause. Gratitude because I am in love with the beauty of all nature. I call this low -stakes holding of two emotions. Low-stakes holding of two emotions builds up the “muscle” of co-holding so that when the really big emotions arise, I am already well skilled in this method.
The Yoga Sutras say, Life and death are inseparable. If we want to know life, we have to know death as well.
Standing in Mountain Pose all the time – I started this practice to manage my pain and misalignment from scoliosis. Standing upright, with feet firmly rooted and a gentle lift at the breastbone, improves my posture, quiets my nervous system and mind, and uplifts my heart.
I found that consistently being in mountain pose helps significantly on a physical, emotional and spiritual level. Smoothing and aligning my energy expanded my capacity to hold more within me – to make space for holding two large emotions at once.
Respond vs. Reactive – Grace of a Pause– Emotions have a physiological impact – meaning we have a chemical body reaction when an emotion arises (more on that in a later letter). It is 100% reasonable to expect that an emotion can increase my heart rate, make me sweat, bring me to tears, surge energy into my body…
When my body reacts like this, sometimes I feel out of control. Sometimes feeling out of control is really fun – like screaming wildly on a roller coaster ride. Sometimes, raging words come out and that scares me.
Acknowledging my body’s natural reactions to emotions is more information for me. I ask myself, ‘why is my heart beating so fast? What is it that my body wants me to know about this moment?’
I smooth out my body’s reactivity, by moving into Longer Exhalation Breath. A simple method - inhale through nose for a count of 2, exhale through mouth for a count of 4. 3 rounds. This practice gives me the grace of a pause; space to Be with emotions arising.
Further, my emotional reactions are tied to preconceived beliefs about myself and others. Acknowledging that I bring perceptions to situations reminds myself to try and be more curious – talk less, ask more questions.
So, for me, holding opposing emotions at the same time, includes being in deep, explorative and sometimes difficult conversations with family and friends, because those conversations often challenge my perceptions. Those conversations expand my emotional capacity; enabling me to hold a range of emotions at the same time. And in expanding my emotional capacity, I can be responsive, not reactive.
What are the tools that you use to hold multiple emotions at the same time? What is your relationship with “bad” and “good” emotions?
What questions do you have? What would you like to hear more about?
Thanks for holding space for me. :)
Warmly, Kim
The Guest House by Rumi
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Scar Clan
The wound is the place where the Light enters you.
Rumi
In Nomahegan park, Cranford, beside a bridge, lives an old apple blossom tree, whose gnarly exposed roots secure it to the pond’s bank.
Walking across the bridge exposes its backside, its secret. A deep gash, perhaps from lightning, left a raw and ragged vertical wound along the length of its trunk. The first time I saw this scar, I thought ‘How could this tree sustain such a deep cut and continue to thrive so brilliantly?’
And then, I smiled to myself, ‘Welcome, my friend, to the Scar Clan. I too, have sustained deep scars. Permanent scars, whose aches come and go as life changes. Disfigurements that are a part of me, that shape me into something even more beautiful, like you.’
Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Jungian psychoanalyst and NYT best -selling author, coined the term Scar Clan in her book, Women Who Run With the Wolves.
Estes writes, “Women have been advised that certain events, choices, and circumstances violated some social or moral code of their culture, religion, or personal value system (and that such violations) are of the most shameful nature and are therefore completely without absolution.”
Further, Estes writes “a woman is encouraged to believe that the secret must never be revealed…that she must believe that if she does reveal it, all decent persons shall revile her in perpetuity. This additional threat, as well as the secret shame itself, causes a woman to carry not one burden but two. The keeping of secrets cuts off a woman from those who would give her love, succor and protection. It causes her to carry the burden of grief and fear all by herself and sometimes for a group, family or culture.”
But, share a secret in a safe and supportive space, a Clan, where it can be grieved, cried over, raged about, spoken freely without another fixing or belittling or comparing, felt, acknowledged, seen, and heard, and the shame scars transform into Battle Scars. Unlike a shame scar, a battle scar is worn courageously and proudly.
Battle Scars are proof of endurance, acceptance of failures, relishing of victories, validation of earned brazenness, and inspire ourselves and others to live intuitively, creatively, vulnerably, and wisely.
When the Battle Scarred come together, they celebrate! They toast each other’s hard choices, healing, artistry, resolve, and compassion. The Battle Scarred Clan sees beauty in their imperfections.
Note - A Clan is to be chosen wisely. You are exposing your heart and soul. It can be a trusted friend or friends, professional therapist, somatic therapy, support group - a container that is capable and skilled at holding space. You are honoring the other person by sharing your secrets. Honor yourself. Choose wisely.
Kintsugi, the Japanese, centuries -old, art of rejoining broken pottery, manifests the concept of Scar Clan, in physical form.
Instead of trying to camouflage the repair with clear glue, a sap lacquer, dusted with powdered gold is used to rejoin the pieces. The repaired piece celebrates uniqueness, by drawing attention to its fractures, instead of trying to hide them. Transformation into something even more beautiful because of its imperfections.
Who is in your Scar Clan? If you don’t have one, contact me - let’s figure that out together. What events, choices, and circumstances were you advised to bury within you? How would it be for you to feel and share your secrets in a safe and supportive way?
Fascia Release: Why Everyone Wants It
You know how you have that tool in your life, but before you got it, you had no idea about it or how much you were missing it? And now, you think to yourself, ‘how did I live without this?’ Well, that’s Fascia Release.
What Is Fascia?
Historically, medical schools taught fascia was the body’s plastic-like wrapping, just below the skin, that needed to be cut through to get to the real stuff underneath. Because of new imaging technology, fascia is finally getting its due.
Fascia is a thinly spun web of collagen tubules that connect the outermost parts of our bodies (those just below the skin) with every individual cell, thereby connecting every aspect of the body with itself.
Imagine a grapefruit. It has a fibrous white coating that surrounds the fruit inside of the peel. The tendrils of white fibers surround each fruit section and then become finer, weaving around each individual teardrop of grapefruit fruit. Without the white fiber, the fruit would be formless.
And now imagine, every emotion, sensation, trauma, movement, surgery, and accident impacted a force upon that white fibrous network such that the smallest fruit sections felt pressure, real or imagined, of a thumbprint on its rind. That’s how sensitive and impactful fascia is.
What Is Fascia Release?
Fascia release starts with asking questions and making observations. Your alignment - the way you stand, rotate a shoulder, flex your jaw muscles – are clues about your fascia network.
Using a light touch, I assess fascia patterns underneath the skin. I hone in on areas of stuckness and adhesions that are causing constriction and tension within the fascia web. Listening to your body’s needs, I gently facilitate unwinding of unhealthy patterns and reset a pattern that supports mobility, gliding, and ease within your physical and emotional body.
Once unwound, maintenance is key. I instruct you in a couple, simple, therapeutic yoga exercises to sustain your relief. No yoga experience needed.
And then life happens, and the patterns shift again. That’s the nature of things. But the next time, your body has a better awareness of how to be in a healthier pattern. Your body is constantly learning and adapting. You are proactive, not reactive.
Will a Foam Roller or a Massage Help?
Yes, foam rollers and massage can break up fascia adhesions. And you should feel better.
BUT they do not guide the body’s fascia web network to reset a pattern. Repatterning requires an internal participation of your brain and body’s intelligence. To use an old cliche - the difference between being given a fish and being taught how to fish.
What Are Some Conditions That Can Improve With Fascia Release?
· Musculo-skeletal, sacral, and cranial misalignments, injuries, chronic conditions, & mobility issues
· Adhesions - from scar tissue, surgeries, accidents, misalignment patterns, birth patterns
· Rest and digest functioning – relieving restrictions on vagus nerve and related organs
· Emotional pain – day to day emotional tension & restrictions, resolve suppressed emotions, trauma. “Your issues are in your tissues”.
· Pain and anxiety– especially that has not responded to other modalities
· Auto-immune condition symptoms
How Can I Help You?
My life’s passion is to hold space, listen, and validate your grit and grace, and guide you home to yourself. I have over 20 years and over 11,000 client hours of holistic healing experience, serving clients of all ages and needs.
Gratitude- Magical Or Suppressor of Pain?
Gratitude - the quality of being thankful; a readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness. Oxford Dictionary
Gratitude is Magical
I’ve had a gratitude practice for years. I have a pretty good hunch that you have practiced gratitude for years also. And, like me, you have already experienced its magic.
A 2008 study*, measured the brain activity of people thinking and feeling gratitude. Their results found that “gratitude can boost neurotransmitter serotonin and activate the brain stem to produce dopamine. Dopamine is our brain’s pleasure chemical.”
When I am experiencing gratitude, openness, empathy and tender loving kindness soaks into me. Kate Bowler, NYT best- selling author of Everything Happens for a Reason (And Other Lies I’ve Loved) and No Cure for Being Human, describes gratitude “as widening your aperture in the world”. Aperture is the space through which light passes in a photographic instrument. A space through which light passes in. I love that.
“From a quantum standpoint, (for gratitude) we have to create a different state of being as an observer to generate a new electromagnetic signature” (Dr. Joe Dispenza, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself).
For years, my gratitude practice included a ritual of writing down three things in the morning and three things before bed that I am grateful for. This practice nurtured me through some really tough times, when the only lights of hope I could see were in writing those 6 things down each day.
Walking within nature is another vital gratitude practice for me. Regardless of the weather, I am filled with a gratefulness of nature’s intelligence, grace, and splendor.
Another practice is the “string of moments”. Kate says, “We’re given a bunch of minutes, hours and days. Within all those bunches of time, we’re given thousands of tiny moments. Strung together, they will shine brighter than the collective number of hours, days, and years”.
Kate suggests, throughout the day, tuning into a tiny moment through my senses. What do I see? What do I hear? What do I smell? What do I feel? Where in my body am I appreciating this moment? She mentions there are never enough moments in a life. And maybe it’s because of that truth, that a string of tiny moments can bring so much meaning.
Gratitude is an intimate experience; a moment of fully living in a moment of your life. Magical! Such a moment, shared with others, is super magical. Which gratitude practices are magical for you?
Gratitude is Not the Solution to Pain
Kate also points out that, “Grateful can be a cheery way of saying ‘well, at least’, which are the three least comforting words strung together in the English language.” Such as,’ well, at least you’re divorced’ or ‘well, at least you have another child’, or ‘well, at least you learned a lot’ or ‘well, at least you’re able to get pregnant again’ or ‘well, at least you’re feeling better now’ or ‘well, at least you had good cancer treatment’, … Kate refers to the perniciousness behind these phrases.
The definition of pernicious is have a harming effect in a gradual or subtle way. While intended as comforting, these comments tend to bypass pain. I have made a good number of ‘well, at least,…” comments in my life. Kate’s insights have altered my word choices going forward.
American culture and some yoga, spiritual and religious cultures demand happiness; a form of gratefulness. Anything less than happiness is unacceptable. Why? Because, if I’m having unhappy feelings, that might make you feel uncomfortable and God knows, discomfort is to be avoided at all costs. The truth is, we Can be grateful AND in pain. We Can show up for ourselves and others in a way that holds these feelings as both true and valid, concurrently.
And, no matter how avidly we practice gratitude, some things are beyond our control.
Gratitude won’t lessen the wage gap, lower gun violence, or provide race or gender equality. Gratefulness won’t erase disparities in judicial, housing, healthcare, educational and incarceration systems. ‘Well, at least it’s better than it was before’ bypasses pain.
Instead of glossing over these painful truths, perhaps believing others lived experiences opens our aperture, the space through which light passes in, and we can return the kindness given to us, by the person trusting us with their lived truth.
This past May, sitting with my aunt, as she passed, was one of the most painful moments in my life. I felt super grateful and deep grief for this full immersion into the mystery of life and death with her, and with my cousins by my side.
‘Well, at least she had a long life’, is true and I am grateful for that AND it was extremely painful. Being with that pain, not bypassing it, broadened the feeling of gratitude. It widened the aperture for me.
Kate says, ‘You don’t need to be the right kind of grateful. You just need to be you’. Grateful doesn’t reduce one’s pain. Gratitude is truth, your truth, in the midst of pain AND it’s magical.
When have you experienced gratitude and pain at the same time? How do ‘well, at least.., comments land within your body?
If you know of someone who this letter could help, please share.
Avoid Avoidance in 2023
Do not mistake talking about the thing with doing the thing
Alok Menon
At the beginning of 2022, I shared a goal with you, of writing bi-monthly newsletters. I haven’t sent one out since early July though. Cringe. Falling short of goals, especially ones publicly pronounced, feels squeamish in my belly.
I wish I had some compelling excuses. But, no. I got busy and well, avoided the discomfort of writing them.
Avoidance of the uncomfortable. I think we all have our own relationship with avoidance. For me, once the feelings of avoidance crop up, I start feeling guilty about the avoidance, which leads to avoidance of the guilty feelings, which compounds the guilty feelings and increases the initial and guilt avoidances. That leads me to stuckness. Stuckness leads me to numbness and paralysis, which loops me back to avoidance. Yikes! What an unnecessary cycle of self -struggle, pain and shame.
Some of my avoidances: Putting off writing newsletters. Shying away from the difficult conversations. Not prioritizing getting to yoga class. Eyeing the lint filled rugs, but not vacuuming. Not expressing sufficient gratitude to a very difficult mom & dad, while they’re alive. Being good and nice instead of setting clear boundaries. And on and on.
While there are valid back stories for some of my avoidances, ‘the best way out is through’ (Robert Frost) is nonetheless, a truth for me.This quote is the equivalent of a long-held yoga posture; sticking with the pose, with breath and openness, to move through the full wave of uncomfortableness. Receiving craniosacral and lymphatic drainage helped me smooth my nervous system so I can tap into resiliency, and move through the stuckness of avoidance. Through these modalities, I strengthen the muscles of ‘best way out is through’ And, (who knew?) writing moves me through also.
I have journaled for years, putting the swirling mayhem of my thoughts down; truths, compassion, rage, clarity and confusion – all of it,onto page after page. Writing a newsletter, though, feels like pulling out my own tooth with slippery pliers. It’s a long, arduous, frustrating and painful task. Why is that?
So, what did the Universe do? In 2022, it gifted me a writing course with Kimmi Berlin, author & educator, who helps people tell their stories. For 6 solid weeks, I toiled through writing assignments, took in feedback and rewrote, again and again. It was hell. And it was liberating.
Kimmi encouraged me to examine experiences at a deeper level – a visceral level. I struggle with dissociation; exploring and communicating my exact experience is super challenging. However, I found a somatic, body/mind, healing in writing these essays.
For me, getting to the other side of avoidance is a wonderful feeling of expansion and self-empowerment. Seeing those rugs lint free, if only for a short time, is ridiculously satisfying. During the hard conversation, I feel like vomiting, but afterwards, I feel more present and free, even when there’s still more to talk through.
I realized that setting a newsletter goal without fully comprehending its benefits, its Why, is just another self- imposed thing to do. Something to want to avoid. This newsletter gives me an opportunity to share my trusted resources with you AND to express myself. To say the things that I am avoiding. You give me the honor of trusting in my care, and I want to reciprocate, by sharing of myself, trusting in you. I apologize, in advance, for not being happy go lucky in these newsletters. I feel too much and too deeply – which is both amazing and really hard.
So, embedded in my annual Self- Goals Statement, I recommit to the goal of a bi-monthly newsletter. I hope that it will be interesting enough for you to read, and perhaps, if you really like it, to pass it along.
What are the things that you’re avoiding? What are the valid reasons you have for avoiding them? What practices help you strengthen the muscles of moving through avoidance? Please share. I am interested in your experiences.
May you and your families have a joyful, healthy, safe and peaceful year, filled with love and laughter and self -growth and ease.
Much gratitude for trusting yourself with me in guiding you towards your own healing. I am honored to walk alongside you.
Blessings on you and your loved ones, Kim