Mending Matter - How to Right Wrongs
What if we looked at apologies as ways to grow, instead of defending our identity as a good person, instead of leaning into our fragility? What if we thought of apologies as opportunities for creative repair - like a pair of favorite ripped jeans that we embroider into something useful and beautiful?
How do apologies feel in your body? For me, effective apologies feel like there’s been a meaningful repair, a deepening of relationship, a building of trust with the other person. Those feel warm and cozy inside. But ineffective apologies feel like there’s a squashing of the issue, a lack of accountability, perhaps even gas lighting, and a rush to move on. Those don’t feel good.
I am human. I am flawed. There are times when I am not my best self. There are times when I am not acting from integrity. There are times when I cause harm. How can I get back to my best self, my integrity? How can I repair the harm I caused?
Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg, sites Maimonides, the 12th. century Jewish philosopher, in her essay, On Repentance and Repair. Rabbi Ruttenberg says Maimonides outlines 5 steps for the process of repair and repentance:
1) Owning the harm – working through the cognitive dissonance of seeing myself as a good person and accepting the fact that my behavior has caused pain, and that I have work to do to rectify the situation/ relationship. “it’s me that’s the problem”
2) Beginning to change – educating self, therapy… actions to understand the root of why I behaved in a certain way and learning new ways of being
3) Making amends –giving of time or resources, asking what the harmed person needs
4) Apologizing- by this point in the process, the harm doer has been transformed, has grown and learned about the pain caused, so an apology is now flowing from a truly contrite heart. It lands with sincerity, and authenticity. It’s victim centered.
5) Making better choices- going forward, I will use what I have learned from this experience, and these are the explicit changes I will make to try and not repeat this harm
When I speak or behave in a way that harms others, and then realize what I have done, my stomach feels like it’s being grabbed and twisted, giving rise to remorse, anguish and physical pain. Sometimes, I harm others and I am not aware of it. When it’s brought to my attention, my immediate response is to want to shrink inward, go into a shame spiral, and make defensive excuses. Either sequence of events feels icky inside; this kind of emotional and physical response doesn’t help the harmed, me, nor the situation/ relationship.
Rabbi Ruttenberg says, apologies are “not only interpersonal, but also public, institutional, and national in nature”. A public harm requires a public apology. “Faux apologies are a master class in how to fail at taking responsibility and fully owning the harm that one has done.”
While quickly apologizing is a well -meaning intention, it can be a faux apology. Giving apologies following the 5-steps, is really hard for me; especially step 1! I want desperately to verbalize the extenuating circumstance defenses that led to my behavior. Sometimes when I harm, there are some very valid extenuating circumstances. Yet, if my intention is sincerely to repair, to apologize, I have to refrain from citing those circumstances- it’s just not the right time to bring them up to the person I have pained. My extenuating circumstances are not the responsibility of the one being harmed – I am still accountable for my own behavior, even under those circumstances.
In conversation, the word Karma is frequently used. It’s interpreted as ‘what goes around, comes around’. This is an oversimplification. Karma is the yoga of action. Intention is vital AND action is equally important; they are meant to be aligned. To say or hear an “I’m sorry” without the action components Maimonides laid out, is an incomplete practice of Karma yoga. Further, in Karma yoga, intention and actions are done without requiring or attaching to any expected outcomes.
Sometimes confronting the victim with an apology and then an expectation of forgiveness, is not in the best interest of the victim. A powerful example of this is when I volunteered as a Junior Keeper in Hidden Water, a non-profit restorative justice response to the impact of childhood sexual abuse on individuals and families. In my experience, giving victims permission to Not prioritize religious, family and society’s pressure of forgiveness for perpetrators and enablers, resulted in the victims being able to use their energy to fully focus on their own inner healing. Often the source pushing for compulsory forgiveness, is vested in sustaining an existing power dynamic – this is true on an individual, institutional and societal level. Forgiveness is a really provocative topic – and I won’t get further into it here.
Let’s visit the gas lighting apology: “Sorry you feel that way.” “Sorry if you feel upset by this.” “Sorry if I upset you.” These are not apologies. These are statements of invalidating one’s right to have feelings. We are always allowed to have our own feelings. Period.
After working with my feelings around apology in therapy, reading about it, and trying it out in real time, I have found that there can definitely be creativity in repair.
I used to feel that apologies were to be avoided, because that meant there was something I needed to apologize for, which would make me feel badly about myself. But I discovered the 5 -step apology, even though challenging, results in better outcomes.
Instead of giving lame apologies that make me feel awkward around the person I harmed, I try to follow the 5-step process. My apologies are better received because they’re just better apologies; thus allowing me to feel better about myself, to get back on track with my integrity.
And yes, sometimes, the other person just does not accept my apology and while that doesn’t feel good, I have still grown from the 5 -step apology process.
And yes, I am still human and thus, flawed. Sometimes I find myself apologizing for my poor apology.
Creative repair, indeed.
Resources: Repentance and Repair by Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg
White Fragility by Robin Deangelo
Glennon Doyle - We Can Do Hard Things interview - Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg