Artful Gatherings
Gatherings and events. There’s an expected uptick in gatherings from Thanksgiving through New Year’s, yet gatherings and events happen all year long.
At parties, I am the one circling the room, nursing a drink, searching out someone that I can pepper with questions, quietly nodding my head, and smiling, while inside, desiring solitude.
I used to apologize and have shame for being an introvert. Merriment and rollicking generally seemed to be the requirements of an ideal guest. ‘Maybe I am just too shy,’ I would think, ‘maybe I need to try harder at being more entertaining.’
While shyness and introversion can crossover each other, they are not the same. Shyness is fear of social judgment. Introversion is how one responds to stimulation, including social stimulation.
Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, says “Extroverts crave large amounts of stimulation. Introverts are most alive, most capable, most switched on, when in quieter, more low-key environments. The key to maximizing our (introvert) talents is to put ourselves in the zone of stimulation that’s right for us.” She continues, “there’s a belief that all creativity and productivity come from being gregarious and in group settings.”
American boldness and enterprise are assumed to rest solely on highly expressive and outgoing behavior patterns. Yet, there’s much creativity and productivity from those that are more introspective, that thrive on solitude; Buddha, Darwin, Steve Wozniak, Emily Dickinson, Frida Kahlo, to name a few introverts. For me, this is certainly true – my clearest, broadest and most productive thinking arises from being in solitude.
Whether one is as an extrovert or an introvert, is not important. The world needs the creativity and productivity of extroverts AND introverts. And, of course, there are no absolutes; no need to be 100% one or the other.
The Bhagavad Gita, written sometime before 200 BCE, is a section of the Mahabharata, a Hindu text. It states, “Better is one’s own dharma* though imperfectly carried out than the dharma of another carried out perfectly. Better is death in the fulfillment of one’s own dharma, for to follow the law of another brings great spiritual peril.” *Dharma is a sanskrit word – here it refers to our true nature, or if referring to a vocation, it would be our true calling.
My objective is for me to be aligned with my true nature. I love a deep, heart-felt conversation and relationship, but I am not ever going to want to be in an over stimulating space. It’s just not who I am.
What does vocalizing my true nature look like in practice? I often tell people straight up, ‘I really want to celebrate you for X, yet I just don’t do well in groups, so I may leave early’, or ‘that’s too big a venue for me, so I will pass on that’, or ‘please don’t think anything is wrong with me for being quieter at this gathering than when it’s the two of us alone’, or ‘I won’t be staying long because the noise and lights are overwhelming for me’, or whatever is true for me.
And how is that received? Sometimes supportively, and sometimes, not. All I can do is be kind to myself and others. If they are hurt, insulted or offended, that is not for me to solve for them. And, someone chiding me to being more outspoken, frolicsome, and engaged at a gathering or event, feels shaming. And what is over stimulating for me, may not be what is over stimulating for someone else.
And here’s an idea- maybe it’s time to rethink HOW and WHY we gather. Priya Parker, strategic advisor, and author of The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters outlines a human- centered approach to gathering that helps create meaningful, memorable experiences for everyone, in large and small environments. I love a thoughtful, structured and clear plan. Priya’s approach speaks directly to the introvert in me - I know the plan ahead of time, everyone gets equal participation, and it honors my introspective self. A gathering formula for all.
As we move into the final weeks of this holiday season, and enter 2024, I encourage you to honor your true nature. I encourage appreciation of both contemplative and ebullient ways of being.
Wishing you and your families and friends meaningful and joyful time together this holiday season!