How to Be With Emotions

I love hearing from you. Thanks for your Newsletter encouragement, and for sharing your stories with me.

 Several people had questions on the Gratitude letter.  1) How to be with, not bypass, emotional pain? and 2) What tools help hold gratitude and pain simultaneously? Tough questions! I love it!

Gratitude and emotional pain are states of being; emotions produce physiological, behavioral and cognitive changes.

This letter shares the practical tools that help me Be with my emotions in an open, curious, compassionate, calm, courageous, confident, clear and connected way. These are the 7 C’s of Internal Family Systems.

 I am currently working on this, so please know that the tools I am sharing with you, are the very same ones I am reminding myself to do all the time.  

 Disassociation from my body and emotions started at an early age, and continued well into adulthood. Yoga helped me embody. And therapy helped uncover the valid reasons for this disassociation. I discovered, that although I am adept as a yoga teacher at holding space for other’s emotional well -being, I was unable to be with the full range of my own emotions, and some of those of my children. Not fun to admit, yet true.

 Please note, the below tools are similar to daily exercises, in that I use them to create an emotions awareness foundation. There are lots of mainstream tools that I have used for years – yoga, meditation, breath work, somatics, EMDR, talk therapy…all valuable. The ones below are less well known, practical, free and easily accessible for all.

Feeling emotions – not bypassing

Label the feeling -   Identifying the specific emotion presenting helps me know my true Self better. Download this 87 Human Emotions & Experiences Chart , created by Brene Brown, to accurately label your feelings.

For example, If I describe my feelings as stress, (a state of mental or emotional tension), but I am actually feeling overwhelmed (drowning and need help), I have understated my feelings, and perhaps in doing so, don’t signal to others that I need help, or don’t even realize myself how much help I need.

Or, if I feel I was over looked for something, I may say I feel resentment - bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly. But the underlying truth may be, I am really jealous - feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements and advantages; which really means that I wish I had that thing too; that I would like to manifest that in my life too. And that’s important information for me to know about me and the goals I set for myself.

 Contraction and Release – If I am not in my body, how can I expect myself to be able to feel and be with my emotions?  There are lots of wonderful ways to get in the body ( yoga, walking, singing, dancing…). Contraction and Release can be done anywhere, anytime, standing or sitting.

Mildly tense toes and feet (you don’t get bonus points for over tensing – that can cause cramps). Notice how it feels to apply effort – hold for a few rounds of breath. On an exhale, release this effort. Repeat - systematically moving up the legs, mildly tensing and releasing lower leg muscles, then thighs, then buttocks.

I stop at my bottom, because I use this practice for grounding. Often in savasana, yoga resting, the entire body is tensed and released – that has a different quality for me, resulting in sleepiness instead of reconnecting with my physical body. Experiment with what works for you.

Stop Categorizing an Emotion as Bad or Good- Labeling emotions as bad or good makes me hide from some emotions and grasping for others. An emotion provides me with information about myself. And acknowledging an emotion (like anger, fear, passion, excitement…) doesn’t mean I have to act on it.

I was taught that “bad” emotions must be suppressed; the problem is that it’s difficult to fully feel the “good” emotions, because I can’t selectively suppress one kind of emotion; they can all get suppressed. Surprisingly, the more I let myself feel the “bad” emotions, the more I am able to feel the “good” emotions – because I am not restraining myself.

Holding two seemingly opposing emotions at once

Building the muscles of equal holding – I consciously sit with opposing emotions on a regular basis. For example, a rainy grey day, for me, feels like melancholy and gratitude. Melancholy because the rain and greyness bring on a sadness for no obvious cause. Gratitude because I am in love with the beauty of all nature. I call this low -stakes holding of two emotions. Low-stakes holding of two emotions builds up the “muscle” of co-holding so that when the really big emotions arise, I am already well skilled in this method. 

The Yoga Sutras say, Life and death are inseparable. If we want to know life, we have to know death as well.

 Standing in Mountain Pose all the time – I started this practice to manage my pain and misalignment from scoliosis. Standing upright, with feet firmly rooted  and a gentle lift at the breastbone, improves my posture, quiets my nervous system and mind, and uplifts my heart.

I found that consistently being in mountain pose helps significantly on a physical, emotional and spiritual level. Smoothing and aligning my energy expanded my capacity to hold more within me – to make space for holding two large emotions at once.

Respond vs. Reactive – Grace of a Pause– Emotions have a physiological impact – meaning we have a chemical body reaction when an emotion arises (more on that in a later letter). It is 100% reasonable to expect that an emotion can increase my heart rate, make me sweat, bring me to tears, surge energy into my body…

When my body reacts like this, sometimes I feel out of control. Sometimes feeling out of control is really fun – like screaming wildly on a roller coaster ride. Sometimes, raging words come out and that scares me.

Acknowledging my body’s natural reactions to emotions is more information for me. I ask myself, ‘why is my heart beating so fast? What is it that my body wants me to know about this moment?’

I smooth out my body’s reactivity, by moving into Longer Exhalation Breath. A simple method - inhale through nose for a count of 2, exhale through mouth for a count of 4. 3 rounds. This practice gives me the grace of a pause; space to Be with emotions arising.

 Further, my emotional reactions are tied to preconceived beliefs about myself and others. Acknowledging that I bring perceptions to situations reminds myself to try and be more curious – talk less, ask more questions.

So, for me, holding opposing emotions at the same time, includes being in deep, explorative and sometimes difficult conversations with family and friends, because those conversations often challenge my perceptions. Those conversations expand my emotional capacity; enabling me to hold a range of emotions at the same time. And in expanding my emotional capacity, I can be responsive, not reactive.

What are the tools that you use to hold multiple emotions at the same time? What is your relationship with “bad” and “good” emotions? 

What questions do you have? What would you like to hear more about?

Thanks for holding space for me. :)

Warmly, Kim

The Guest House by Rumi

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.