Mind the Gap

“L’esprit d’escalier”

A French saying attributed to the philosopher Diderot. It means thinking of the perfect reply later on, when you have gone down the stairs, away from the situation.

“The most painful thing is to be misaligned. To have your life out here, different than in here.”

Cheryl Strayed - Author of Wild and Brave Enough

I am at a fortunate time in my life; I have opportunities to reflect and reinvent. I am grateful to voices, including those of my children, in advancing new perspectives on living a life of meaning.

One of the areas I am working on is closing the gap between when someone says something that I may disagree with or feel uncomfortable about, and me responding authentically in real time; instead of thinking of what I wished I had said at a later time, after the moment has passed, when I am at the bottom of the steps.

An example of me not being authentic is being too malleable. This looks like responding with “whatever you want is fine with me” way too often, even when it wasn’t fine with me. Over time, this led others (and me) to believe that my needs and desires were not important.

Other examples of non -authentic responses that I used to do:

Silence, while averting eye contact-which ostensibly means neutrality, but in truth is a cowardly acquiescence to the views and actions of the speaker

Smiling and nodding and waiting patiently for the speaker to just stop talking – I have used this when I was mansplained to. Or being subjected to humble bragging. Or people going on incessantly about themselves, but never inquiring about me. Or being subjected to rudeness in the form of “it’s just a joke”.

Defensiveness on behalf of or excusing the behavior of the speaker –because I am aligned with the speaker (partner, family, friend…). I am doing this as an act of caretaking or protecting the speaker’s feelings. I defend their position or excuse their words/behavior, regardless if I agree or disagree with the speaker’s words and actions. I double down because of pride and as an expression of loyalty.

Avoidance. Doing tasks or keeping busy a few steps away from the conversation– pretending like I am not a part of the conversation and thus am not aware of the words and actions of the speakers in the conversation.

None of these behaviors made me feel good about myself.

When I am able to respond timely, clearly, compassionately, with confidence, with connection, courageously, and in alignment with my values and feelings, it feels so satisfying. So, why would I abandon myself to the above behaviors?

Clinical psychologist and NY Times best seller, Dr. Nicole LePera, explores “Good Girl” conditioning; it’s being agreeable, polite and nice, to never show anger, to allow people to violate boundaries and to hide needs in order to please others. Young girls who take on these traits are rewarded in families and within cultures. Dr. LePerla writes, “Being a ‘good girl’ comes with a high price though because we aren’t able to say we’re uncomfortable, tell someone ‘no’ (set a boundary), or express how we truly feel. From a young age, girls start to go into a freeze or fawn trauma response because of this.” Freeze is a dissociated state. Fawn is an over appeasing, going along with, or avoiding conflict state. Further, Dr. LePera explains,” Over time, the good girl comes to believe that her role in a social setting is to be liked. This leads to hyper-vigilance; a focus on what people think of her, how she appears, and if she’s being well received.” 

How can I possibly expect anyone else to respect me, if I do not respect my own values? Why would I adhere to a system that asks me to abandon myself?

 I would like to get better at responding authentically in real time, for more ease in my own life; to show up for myself. I am now consciously opting out of Good Girl behavior; I do not want to remain uncomfortable simply so someone else can maintain their own level of comfort. I am opting out of living the Good Girl life because it requires me to abandon myself.

If in that process, someone else experiences growth, well, all the better. Alternatively, if a person experiences discomfort from me being authentic, then so be it; I cannot control another’s response.

I acknowledge that being able to speak up, to speak my truth, is a luxury not available to everyone. Speaking truth to people in power could put at risk one’s emotional, physical or financial security. And I am aware that speaking may not necessarily rectify the situation. I am Not advocating for self-harm; your safety is always the most important thing.

Yet, there is a shift that happens -within myself, and between the speaker and me, and also amongst those around us, when I do speak truthfully in the now.

How do I strengthen the muscle of a real time authentic response?

Practice! I practice in conversations with friends and family who are safe for me. Sometimes, speaking truth to the special people in my life feels harder than speaking to a stranger. I have been trying to have more compassionate, clear and connected conversations with the special people in my life; on both tough and easier topics. I give myself permission to make mistakes, to circle back & be accountable and if needed, apologize, when I have misspoken or misheard, and try again. It’s scary to show up differently. I get it. Often, it’s not a single conversation, but a series of explorations of my truth and another’s truth. In doing this practice, some of these relationships have deepened, and some, I am sorry to say, have not. Yet, I feel better in being authentic, regardless of the outcome.

Discernment – It is not my responsibility nor my place to voice my truth ALL, 100%, of the time. My truth may not be your truth. I give myself permission to opt out sometimes and listen instead. Maybe, even if I disagree with your viewpoint, this moment is for consciously listening and asking open ended questions for more information.

Self- Awareness - It’s in the noticing that Awareness begins to expand

A.   Think over and/or journal these questions:  How does the concept of Good Girl conditioning resonate with me? Is this my experience or not? What characteristics were rewarded in my family and culture? How does it feel in my body, right now,  to think of these concepts?

Name a time when I was able to authentically respond in real time.  How did I feel in that moment? Why did I respond timely, compassionately, and clearly? Name a time when I was unable to respond authentically in real time. How did I feel about that? Why could I not respond timely, compassionately, and clearly?

 B.    In real time, ask yourself, where is this comment/ question landing in my body? How does it feel within my body? Is the speaker’s truth, my truth?

Respond with Questions / Inquiries – put the speaker to work instead of yourself

This can be as simple as “Tell me more about that.”  This also looks like: 1)For an offensive joke: “ huh, I don’t get it. Why is that funny?”. 2) For statements about partner preferences and/or genders: “Please tell me more about how X have harmed you” OR “what are your fears about X?” Or “if your concerns do come to pass, what would that mean for you?” 3) For unconscious bias comments,” What is your underlying concern?”  Or “ What about that bothers you?”  Or “I am not fully understanding your point. What does that mean?” Or “Please unpack that for me.” Or, “I am ok with X, please share with me why that is not ok with you” 4)For conscious bias comments, “What is your ultimate vision of the way X should be?” OR “How did your life experiences impact the way you see this?” Or “What is causing your discomfort with X?”

Calming the nervous system

Cultivates clear thinking, emotional and physical stability, mental clarity and a sense of openness towards self and others. A calm nervous system enables one to bring ease to hypervigilant freeze or fawn trauma.

Yoga and stretching. Healing modalities like craniosacral and myofascial release. Connecting with nature. Listening to brain wave music. 

 Reassurance – when someone steps in to “help” or knows how to do it better than you

This looks like politely and firmly letting the other person know you’ve got this, and don’t need their input. Thank them for their concern, and that you promise to reach out to them, if you find you need help.

This may need to be stated several times. Remember, they’re coming from a desire, at best, to help you, or at worst, to control you. Set clear and compassionate boundaries for yourself. You are worthy of that.

More Me vs. Good Girl

Those who truly appreciate me, welcome me speaking authentically in real time. When I do that, I am “More Me”. More Me is so much more interesting than Good Girl me. Good Girl is exhausted from keeping up appearances and others comfort levels. More Me is energized. More Me is at ease in her skin and ok with being imperfect and messy. More Me cries more often, hugs more often, and laughs more often.

What are the characteristics of your More Me? How can you access More Me for yourself? What methods have helped you show up more authentically? Please share your experiences - we all learn from each other.

Kim Ellner