Gratitude- Magical Or Suppressor of Pain?

Gratitude - the quality of being thankful; a readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness. Oxford Dictionary

Gratitude is Magical

I’ve had a gratitude practice for years. I have a pretty good hunch that you have practiced gratitude for years also. And, like me, you have already experienced its magic.

A 2008 study*, measured the brain activity of people thinking and feeling gratitude. Their results found that “gratitude can boost neurotransmitter serotonin and activate the brain stem to produce dopamine. Dopamine is our brain’s pleasure chemical.”

 When I am experiencing gratitude, openness, empathy and tender loving kindness soaks into me. Kate Bowler, NYT best- selling author of Everything Happens for a Reason (And Other Lies I’ve Loved) and No Cure for Being Human, describes gratitude “as widening your aperture in the world”. Aperture is the space through which light passes in a photographic instrument.  A space through which light passes in. I love that.

“From a quantum standpoint, (for gratitude) we have to create a different state of being as an observer  to generate a new electromagnetic signature” (Dr. Joe Dispenza, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself).

For years, my gratitude practice included a ritual of writing down three things in the morning and three things before bed that I am grateful for. This practice nurtured me through some really tough times, when the only lights of hope I could see were in writing those 6 things down each day.

Walking within nature is another vital gratitude practice for me. Regardless of the weather, I am filled with a gratefulness of nature’s intelligence, grace, and splendor.

 Another practice is the “string of moments”. Kate says, “We’re given a bunch of minutes, hours and days. Within all those bunches of time, we’re given thousands of tiny moments. Strung together, they will shine brighter than the collective number of hours, days, and years”.  

Kate suggests, throughout the day, tuning into a tiny moment through my senses. What do I see? What do I hear? What do I smell?  What do I feel? Where in my body am I appreciating this moment?  She mentions there are never enough moments in a life. And maybe it’s because of that truth, that a string of tiny moments can bring so much meaning.

 Gratitude is an intimate experience; a moment of fully living in a moment of your life. Magical! Such a moment, shared with others, is super magical. Which gratitude practices are magical for you?

Gratitude is Not the Solution to Pain

Kate also points out that, “Grateful can be a cheery way of saying ‘well, at least’, which are the three least comforting words strung together in the English language.”  Such as,’ well, at least you’re divorced’ or ‘well, at least you have another child’, or ‘well, at least you learned a lot’ or ‘well, at least you’re able to get pregnant again’ or ‘well, at least you’re feeling better now’ or ‘well, at least you had good cancer treatment’, …  Kate refers to the perniciousness behind these phrases.

The definition of pernicious is have a harming effect in a gradual or subtle way.  While intended as comforting, these comments tend to bypass pain. I have made a good number of ‘well, at least,…” comments in my life. Kate’s insights have altered my word choices going forward.

American culture and some yoga, spiritual and religious cultures demand happiness; a form of gratefulness. Anything less than happiness is unacceptable. Why?  Because, if I’m having unhappy feelings, that might make you feel uncomfortable and God knows, discomfort is to be avoided at all costs. The truth is, we Can be grateful AND in pain. We Can show up for ourselves and others in a way that holds these feelings as both true and valid, concurrently.

 And, no matter how avidly we practice gratitude, some things are beyond our control.

Gratitude won’t lessen the wage gap, lower gun violence, or provide race or gender equality.  Gratefulness won’t erase disparities in judicial, housing, healthcare, educational and incarceration systems. ‘Well, at least it’s better than it was before’ bypasses pain.

Instead of glossing over these painful truths, perhaps believing others lived experiences opens our aperture, the space through which light passes in, and we can return the kindness given to us, by the person trusting us with their lived truth.

This past May, sitting with my aunt, as she passed, was one of the most painful moments in my life.  I felt super grateful and deep grief for this full immersion into the mystery of life and death with her, and with my cousins by my side.

‘Well, at least she had a long life’,  is true and I am grateful for that AND it was extremely painful. Being with that pain, not bypassing it, broadened the feeling of gratitude. It widened the aperture for me.

 Kate says, ‘You don’t need to be the right kind of grateful. You just need to be you’. Grateful doesn’t reduce one’s pain. Gratitude is truth, your truth, in the midst of pain AND it’s magical.

When have you experienced gratitude and pain at the same time? How do ‘well, at least.., comments land within your body?

If you know of someone who this letter could help, please share.